Dry June Jokes

The biggest conspiracy has always been the fact that there is no

conspiracy. Nobody's out to get you. Nobody gives a shit whether

you live or die. There, you feel better now?

- Dennis Miller



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A man is having problems with his penis which certainly had seen

better times. He consults a doctor who runs a number of tests.



"I'm sorry to tell you this," says the doctor, "but you've

overdone it the last 30 years. It seems you've burned it out.

You only have 30 erections left in your penis."



The man walks home, shocked and deeply depressed. His wife is

waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor

said concerning his problem.



He tells her what the doc said.



"Oh no," she says, "only 30 times! We shouldn't waste them, we

should make a list!"



He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry,

but your name isn't on it."

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Ten Signs You Are Broke After Christmas:



1. American Express calls and says; "leave home without it"



2. Your idea of a 7 course meal is taking a deep breath outside a

restaurant.



3. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.



4. You give blood everyday, just for the orange juice.



5. You finally clean your house, hoping to find loose change.



6. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.



7. Sally Struthers sends you food.



8. You go back for seconds at communion.



9. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond

with Abe Lincoln.



10. You rob Peter and then you rob Paul.





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"If you really want to impress people with your computer

literacy, just add the words "dot com" to the end of

everything you say, dot com."



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A man traveling on a new modern plane was in urgent need of using

the restroom. Each time he tried to use it, it was occupied.



The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use

the ladies room but she cautioned him against pressing any of the

buttons.



The man agreed and rushed into the restroom to relieve himself.



He noticed four buttons marked "WW", "WA", "PP" and "ATR". Making

a fateful mistake many men make in disregarding what a woman

says, the man allowed his curiosity to get the best of him and

decided to try to the buttons anyway.



He carefully pressed the first button, marked "WW", and

immediately warm water sprayed his entire bottom.



He thought," Golly, the gals really got it made".



Still curious, he pressed the second button, marked "WA", and

warm air dried his bottom off gently and quickly. He thought that

was out of this world.



The button marked "PP" caused a large powder puff to powder his

bottom with a sweet smelling silky powder.



Well naturally he couldn't resist pressing the last button marked

"ATR".





When he woke up in the hospital, he panicked and buzzed the

nurse. When she appeared, he cried out,



"What happened? The last thing I remember I was in the ladies

room aboard a plane.



The nurse replied "Yes, and you were having a great time until

you pressed the "ATR" button"



"What the hell does "ATR" stand for?" asked the man.



"Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

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Ten Things men know for sure about women.



1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

6.

7.

8.

9.

10. Women have breasts.







"There are no stupid questions. Just stupid people."

- Mr. Garrison, South Park



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A psychology student decides to have a party and invites lots of

people, telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation

he writes...



"Theme Party - Come as a Human Emotion".



On the night of the party, the first guest arrives and he opens

the door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N

and V painted on his chest. He says to this guy,



"Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" and the guy

says,



"I'm green with envy".



"Brilliant," says the host, "come on in and have a drink".



A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the

door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a

feather boa wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to

this woman,



"Wow, great outfit, what emotion have you come as?"



"I'm tickled pink" she replies.



"I love it," says the host, "come on in and join the party."



A couple of minutes later the doorbell goes for the third time,

and the host opens the door to see two black guys from New York,

stark naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and

the other with his penis stuck in a pear.



The host is really shocked and says,



"Christ, guys, what the hell are you doing? You could get

arrested for standing like that out here in the street.

What emotion is this supposed to be?"



The first guy replies,



"Well, I'm fuckin' discustid, and my friend here is deep in

dispair."







When the body was first made, all parts wanted to be the boss.

The brain said "Since I control everything and do all the

thinking, I should be the boss"



The hand said, "Since I must do all the work and earn all the

money to keep the rest of you going, I should be boss"



The eyes said "Since I must look out for you all and tell you

where the danger lurks, I should be the boss."



And so it went with the Heart, the ears, the feet, the lungs,

etc. Finally the Asshole spoke up and demanded to be the Boss.

All other parts laughed at the idea of the Asshole being Boss.

The Asshole was so enraged that he blocked himself off and

refused to function.



Soon the brain was feverish, the eyes crossed and ached, the feet

were too weak, the hands hung limply at the side, the Heart and

lungs struggled to keep going. All pleaded with the Brain to let

the Asshole be the boss.

And so it happened. All the other parts did all the work and the

Asshole just bossed around and passed out a lot of shit.



The Moral of the story: You don't have to be a brain to be the

boss, You just have to be an Asshole.





"Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in

two people remembering the same thing."

"Freedom of speech is wonderful - right up there with the freedom

not to listen"



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One day Superman was bored, as there was no crime in the city and

little for him to do. Seeking excitement, he flew off to see his

buddy Spiderman.



"Hey, Spidee, what's say we go over to the bar for a few cold

ones?"



But Spiderman was busy. "Sorry Superman, not today."



Undaunted, Superman visited Batman, who it turned out was also

busy.



Lonely and dejected, Superman cruised around the city and

happened to fly by a brothel. Using his X-Ray vision, he looked

inside to see Supergirl laying spread-eagle on a bed.



Feeling horny, Superman flew right into the brothel, screwed

Supergirl as fast as a speeding bullet, and flew right back out.



"What the heck was that?" said Supergirl, startled.



"I don't know," said the Invisible Man as he climbed off of

Supergirl, "but my ass hurts like hell!"





ABC's OF AGING



Author Unknown



A is for arthritis,

B is for bad back,



C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?

D is for dental decay and decline,



E is for eyesight--can't read that top line.

F is for fissures and fluid retention



G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention and not to forget

other gastrointestinal glitches)

H is high blood pressure



I is for itches, and lots of incisions

J is for joints, that now fail to flex



L is for libido--what happened to sex?

Wait! I forgot about K!

K is for my knees that crack all the time



(But forgive me, I get a few lapses in my ...

M-memory from time to time)



N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis

O is for osteo-for all the bones that crack



P is for prescriptions, that cost a small fortune

Q is for queasiness. Fatal or just the flu? Give me another pill

and I'll be good as new!



R is for reflux--one meal turns into two

S is for sleepless nights, counting my fears on how to pay my

increasing medical bills!



T is for tinnitus--I hear bells in my ears and the word

"terminal" also rings too near

U is for urinary and the difficulties that flow (or not)



V is for vertigo, as life spins by

W is worry, for pains yet found



X is for X ray--and what one might find

Y is for year (another one I'm still alive)



Z is for zest, for surviving the symptoms my body's deployed,

and keeping twenty-six doctors gainfully employed.





"If a man says something in the woods and there are no women

there, is he still wrong?"



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A man goes to consult a world famous specialist about his medical

problem.



After he's been given a thorough examination...



"How much do I owe you?"



"My fee is $500," replies the physician.



"Five hundred dollars? That's impossible, that's too much."



"In your case," the doctor replies, "I suppose I could adjust my

fee to $300."



"Three hundred dollars for one visit? Ridiculous."



"Well, then, could you afford $200?"



"Who has so much money?"



"Look," replies the doctor, growing irritated, "Just give me $50

and be gone."



"I can give you five dollars." says the man. "Take it or leave

it."



"I don't understand you," says the doctor. "Why did you come to

the most expensive doctor in town?"



"Listen, Doctor," says the patient. "When it comes to my health,

nothing is too expensive."





The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers

are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words.



The following were some of this year's winning entries:



1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.



2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have

gained.



3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat

stomach.



4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.



5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent



6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you

absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.



7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.



8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.



9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after

you are run over by a steamroller.



10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.



11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.



12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a

proctologist immediately before he examines you.



13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with

Yiddish expressions.



14. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.



15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your

soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.



16. Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist





"A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says

after that is the beginning of a new argument."

"If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a

horrible warning."

"Cured ham? No thanks, pal. Cured of what? What if it has a

relapse on my plate?"

- Tommy Sledge



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A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store

every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms. Week after week,

he would come in with the same order. One day, the druggist felt

he had to say something to the man.



"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting

lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"



The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon,

but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"



So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those

condoms?"



The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she

poops in little plastic bags."





Favorite excuses for missing work:



My stigmata's acting up.



I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my

previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?



I have a rare case of 48-hour wrist leprosy, but I know we have

that deadline to meet...



I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.



I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I

shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now

contain false information.



The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave

me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.



The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.



I prefer to remain an enigma....it's Monday.



My stepmother has come back as one of the Undead and we must

track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and

give her eternal peace. One day should do it.



I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.



I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.





I refuse to travel to my job until there is a commuter tax. I

insist on paying my fair share.



I was up on a ladder decorating the Christmas tree when my mother

called me and told me I was Jewish. I fell off the ladder.



I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!





"It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room

temperature."

- Steven Wright



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A guy meets this stunning woman at a bar, and, after an evening

of drinking, they both go back to her place.



Within minutes of arriving, they're on the bed. He removes her

blouse and skirt, and then pulls off his pants and shirt. He gets

on top and begins to make love to her.



After awhile he notices that with each stroke he takes, her toes

curl up!



"Wow," he thinks, I AM good!" and intensifies his thrusting.



At this point, she stops him. "What's wrong?" he slurs, "I

thought you were enjoying this?"



"I'd enjoy it more," she says, "if you took off my pantyhose



A couple of hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls

to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are

rolled back in his head.



The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls 911.



"My friend is dead! What can I do?" he says.



The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says,



"Just take it easy. First, let's make sure he's dead."



There's silence, then a shot is heard.



The guy comes back on the line and says, "OK, now what?"





"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a

full house and four people died."

- Steven Wright



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A woman went to the doctor's office for a physical. The doctor

took a blood sample and told her to return in one week for the

results.



One week later, she and her husband returned to the doctor's

office. The doctor took the husband aside and told him,



"Sir, I'm afraid I have some bad news. We accidentally mixed your

wife's blood sample with another patient's, and we have no idea

whose is whose. The bad news is one has Alzheimer's disease, and

the other has AIDS. I want you to come back in another week and

by then I should have it all sorted out."



The man looked scared and said, "That's terrible, doc, what

should I do until then?"



"Well, when you're driving home today, drop her off two blocks

away from your house. If she makes it home, don't fuck her!"





John and Mary had been high school sweethearts, but they had

never had sex.



"We'll have to wait until we are married," she told him.



So he waits . . . and waits.



They are engaged three years, and finally the big day rolls

around. On their wedding night, Mary comes out of the bathroom,

and says;



"Honey, I have some bad news. I have my period, and I don't want

our first time to be all messy!"



John says, "You're kidding!"



Mary says, "I'm sorry honey, we'll just have to wait a little bit

longer."



Mary goes to sleep, but wakes up at 3:00 am to get a drink. On

her way back to bed, she notices Johnny wide awake staring at the

ceiling.



"There's no use John," she said, "You might as well go to sleep."



"I would," said John, "except my dick's so hard there's not

enough skin left to close my eyes!"









"Canadians are generally indistinguishable from Americans and the

surest way of telling the two apart is to make this observation

to a Canadian"

- Richard Starnes



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•

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson

who is coming to visit with his wife:



"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in

apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the front door. With your

elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the

elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14.

When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my

doorbell."



"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these

buttons with my elbow"?



"You're coming empty handed?"





This guy is driving his pickup down a country lane when suddenly

a chicken darts out into the road in front of him. He's just

about to slam on his brakes to avoid the chicken when he realizes

that the chicken has sped on ahead, doing about 30 miles per

hour.



Amazed, he speeds up to follow, but the chicken takes off faster

and faster. Finally the chicken screeches into a turn and goes

into a small farm.



As he turns to follow, the guy notices that the chicken has three

legs. He pulls to a stop in front of the farmhouse, and looking

around, notices that ALL the chickens have three legs.



He says to the farmer; "Three-legged chickens? That's astounding!

"



The farmer replies; "Yep, I bred 'em that way. I love

drumsticks."



"Well, tell me," asks the guy "how does a three-legged chicken

taste?"



"Dunno," says the farmer "I haven't been able to catch one yet."



"Men build bridges and throw railroads across deserts, and yet

they contend successfully that the job of sewing a button is

beyond them. Accordingly, they don't have to sew buttons."

- Heywood Broun 1888-1939



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The Top 12 Signs Your Partner is Addicted to Internet Porn



• During foreplay, he's always double-clicking your G-spot.



• His new computer includes a DVD-ROM drive, a 56k modem, and a

tissue dispenser.



• When she wants you to take off your pants, she says, "Scroll

down."



• C:\Downloads\Porn\2002\July\03\10PM-11PM\



• Tells everyone he's a pioneer in "palm computing."



• He's suing Playboy.com for repetitive stress injuries.



• Her favorite actor? Tommy Lee.



• When he sees a hot babe, he wryly says, "Boy, I'd like to click

on her."



• You look deep into his eyes and see a faint image of Asia

Carrera burned into his corneas.



• As you undress, he takes out his credit card and tells you his

birthday.



• During sex, he shouts, "Refresh! Refresh!"



• His version of foreplay: You lie naked on the bed with a sheet

covering you. He pulls it down slowly for ten minutes.



• During sex, she shouts, "More bandwidth!"

•





A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble.

He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a

quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could

just get to the airport he could get himself home.



So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab

waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie.



He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him

his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address,

etc. but to no avail. The cabbie said;



"If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"



So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was

barely in time to catch his flight.



One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to

regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he

won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the

front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well

who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs,

but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was

down on his luck. The businessman thought for a moment about how

he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on

a plan.



The cabbie recognized the businessman and watched as he got into

the first cab in the line. After a short conversation the driver

became very agitated and screamed"



"Get the hell out of my cab!!"



The businessman got into the next cab, had another short

conversation and was again told, "Get the hell out of my cab!"



The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line

with the same result. When he got to his old friend at the back

of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the

airport?"



The cabbie replied, "fifteen bucks, and I bet you don't have any

money right?"



The businessman said, "I have plenty of money" and flashed a wad

of bills, "Drive on"



As they drove slowly past the line of cabs the businessman smiled

as he gave the other cabbies the thumbs up sign.



"I don't get it," said the driver, "why did the rest of the

guysscream at you to get out of their cabs?"



"I asked them if they'd give me a blow job for an extra $15"