Tiger Woods drives his new Volvo into a garage in St. John's on
his tour of Newfoundland, Canada.
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland
manner, unawares as to who the golf pro. is.... Top of the
morning to you etc., etc
Tiger Woods bends down to pick up the pump, and two tees fall out
of his top pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey Son?" says the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger Woods.
"What're dey for?" enquires the Newfie
"They're for putting my balls on when I drive" says Tiger Woods
"Jaysus!" says the Newfie, "Dem boys at Volvo tink of fuckin'
everyting!!!"
"Let me make sure I'm crystal clear on this issue: Heavy metal
fans are buying heavy metal records, taking the records home and
listening to the records and then blowing their heads off with
shotguns... Where's the problem?"
- Denis Leary
There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one
named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female
population and young George was pretty excited.
"Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George.
"George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're
lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the
ladies in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam.
"Okay, I can do that." George answered.
Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just
like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there but Sam
had a few more instructions.
"Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one
end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle"
said Sam.
"OK, OK, let's go!" said George.
"Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These
gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect
and be polite. OK?" said Sam.
"Sure, sure" says George, "Let's go!"
Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts
at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he
remembers Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is
going along he makes sure to say -
"Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you
ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am..."
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend,
Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's
a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says: 'Pierre, kiss me!' Our hero
grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
'What are you doing, Pierre?', says the startled Marie.
'I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to
have red wine!
She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a
little, Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.'
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and
starts pouring it all over her breasts.
'Pierre! What are you doing?', asks the bewildered Marie.
'I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to
have white wine!'
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam
up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me
lower!'
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and
pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on
fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep,
Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, 'PIERRE,
WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?'
Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, 'I am Pierre the fighter
pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!'
"I am indeed shrinking, but that's okay because I can buy my
clothes off the rack in the children's department. It's great.
There I am at a wedding wearing this gorgeous gown. A five year
old was wearing the same one. Bitch!"
- Marla Lukofsky
A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply
for Social Security.
After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The
woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to
verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left
his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but
he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go
home and come back now?" he asks.
The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."
So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She
says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,"
and she processed his Social Security application.
When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his
experience at the Social Security office.
She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have
qualified for disability, too."
Three Frenchmen were sitting in a bistro enjoying their coffee,
when a young American approached and asked them for the
definition of the term "savoir faire".
The youngest of the trio said that it was tres simple - he would
define it with an example. "If you arrived at home and found your
wife in the passionate embrace of a stranger, and you said
'Excusez moi' and quietly departed, then you would have
demonstrated savoir faire".
"Mais non", said the second, older and more urbane Frenchman.
"Let me give a better example. If you arrived at home and found
your wife in the embrace of a stranger, and you said, 'Excusez
moi, continuez', and quietly departed, then you would have
exhibited savoir faire".
The third, and most venerable Frenchman shook his head and gave
the Gaelic equivalent of "close but no cigar", and said, "Let me
give you the proper answer. If you came home and found your wife
in the passionate embrace of a stranger and said, 'Excusez moi,
continuez' and he did - HE has savoir faire."
"My friend is an idiot. He smokes three packs of cigarettes a
day. He won't quit either. His big excuse is. 'Why should I quit
smoking? Anything could kill me. I could be crossing the street
one day and get hit by a bus.'
Maybe if you quit smoking you could cross the street a hell of a
lot faster."
- George Rogell
A carpenter gets called to do some work at the local house of ill
repute. The madam of the house explains that she wants him to
build a partition to divide one of the larger rooms into two
smaller rooms.
The carpenter spends all day building the partition and when he's
done he gives the madam a bill for $300.
The madam smiles and says, "We usually pay all our bills around
her in trade."
"Sorry ma'am" replies the carpenter, "it's $300 cash or this
partition comes out"
"But you can have some fun with any girl here," explains the
madam. "That's worth more than $300"
"Sorry ma'am," replies the carpenter, 'it's $300 cash or this
partition comes out"
"But my girls can fulfill your every desire. Choose any girl you
like."
The carpenter thinks a while and then says,
"You said any girl I want. Does that include you?"
The madam smiles seductively, "Why yes of course" and she starts
to disrobe.
Once she is naked on the bed the carpenter slowly and gently
inserts his thumb deep into her 'front opening'
She sighs and moans with pleasure.
Then the carpenter carefully inserts his middle finger deep into
her 'rear opening'
The madam is writhing in ecstasy
Then the carpenter suddenly clamps his thumb and finger together
and says,
"Like I was saying, it's $300 cash or this partition comes out"
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Back After a Short Break
"People in New York are always in a hurry. When you call 911 the
operator says, 'This better be good.'"
- David Letterman
The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they
were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The
following were some of the winning entries.
· Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
· Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have
gained.
· Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat
stomach.
· Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
· Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
· Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
· Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
· Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
· Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after
you are run over by a steamroller.
· Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
· Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
· Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.
· Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddish expressions.
· Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
· Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul
goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
· Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is
just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small
chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He
looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the
kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to
go through this? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy
Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mummy Bear
who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything
away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning
air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who set the table.
It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and
filled the cat's water & food dish. And now that you've decided
to come down stairs and grace me with your presence.... listen
good because I'm only going to say this one more time...I haven't
made the !@#$% porridge yet!!"
"Remember the scene in West Side Story when a guy is running
through Spanish Harlem yelling out, "Maria!"... and only one
woman comes to the window?"
- Bobby Slayton
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her
supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it:
The nurse's hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off
her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of
the open front of her uniform!
"MISS JENNINGS! How can you account for parading around the
hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast
exposed!"
"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform,
"It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when
they're through using it!"
A young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a
degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper that
hired him was to write a human-interest story. Being from
Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research. He went
to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced
himself and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.
The young man asked, "What's the most exciting thing that ever
happened around here?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, " One time one of my
neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then
we all screwed it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of
anything else exciting that happened?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my
neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a
big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we
took her back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Okay let
try something else. What's the most terrible thing that ever
happened around here?"
The old farmer dropped his head and after a few seconds looked up
timidly at the young man and said,
"I got lost once."
"Barbra Streisand recently bought six fur coats at an expensive
Fifth Avenue store. Normally that would upset me, but I would
rather see Streisand wear fur than see Streisand naked."
- Jon Stewart
Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local
bar, when one said to the other:
"If I ask you a question, would you promise to answer me
honestly?"
"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."
"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around
here find my wife so attractive?"
"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the
second guy.
"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first
fellow. "My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"
"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't
noticed that she can't say 'NO'!"
HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE CHILDREN
MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick
behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST
Obtain a 55-gallon box of LEGOs (or you may substitute roofing
tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a
blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream
because this would wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them
with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for
anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net
bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend
from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to
insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while
pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on
the floor.
NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12
pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m. begin
to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag
and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and
sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more
and sing these too until 4:00 a. m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get
up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint,
turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn
it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and
a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and
an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel
Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream
cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a
dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size
package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat.
Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your
clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask
the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store.
Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be
directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home
and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how
they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet
training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can
improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their
children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last
time you will have all the answers.
operator says, 'This better be good.'"
- David Letterman
The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they
were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The
following were some of the winning entries.
· Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
· Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have
gained.
· Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat
stomach.
· Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
· Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
· Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
· Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
· Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
· Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after
you are run over by a steamroller.
· Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
· Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
· Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a
proctologist immediately before he examines you.
· Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddish expressions.
· Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
· Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul
goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
· Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is
just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small
chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.
Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He
looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the
kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to
go through this? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy
Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mummy Bear
who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything
away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning
air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who set the table.
It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and
filled the cat's water & food dish. And now that you've decided
to come down stairs and grace me with your presence.... listen
good because I'm only going to say this one more time...I haven't
made the !@#$% porridge yet!!"
"Remember the scene in West Side Story when a guy is running
through Spanish Harlem yelling out, "Maria!"... and only one
woman comes to the window?"
- Bobby Slayton
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her
supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it:
The nurse's hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off
her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of
the open front of her uniform!
"MISS JENNINGS! How can you account for parading around the
hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast
exposed!"
"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform,
"It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when
they're through using it!"
A young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a
degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper that
hired him was to write a human-interest story. Being from
Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research. He went
to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced
himself and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.
The young man asked, "What's the most exciting thing that ever
happened around here?"
The farmer thought for a minute and said, " One time one of my
neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then
we all screwed it and took it back home."
"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of
anything else exciting that happened?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my
neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a
big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we
took her back home."
Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Okay let
try something else. What's the most terrible thing that ever
happened around here?"
The old farmer dropped his head and after a few seconds looked up
timidly at the young man and said,
"I got lost once."
"Barbra Streisand recently bought six fur coats at an expensive
Fifth Avenue store. Normally that would upset me, but I would
rather see Streisand wear fur than see Streisand naked."
- Jon Stewart
Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local
bar, when one said to the other:
"If I ask you a question, would you promise to answer me
honestly?"
"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."
"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around
here find my wife so attractive?"
"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the
second guy.
"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first
fellow. "My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"
"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't
noticed that she can't say 'NO'!"
HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE CHILDREN
MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick
behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST
Obtain a 55-gallon box of LEGOs (or you may substitute roofing
tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a
blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream
because this would wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them
with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for
anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net
bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.
FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend
from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to
insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while
pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on
the floor.
NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12
pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m. begin
to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag
and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and
sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more
and sing these too until 4:00 a. m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get
up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint,
turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn
it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and
a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and
an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel
Tower.
AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream
cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a
dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size
package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat.
Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.
PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your
clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.
PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask
the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store.
Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be
directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home
and read it quietly for the last time.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how
they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet
training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can
improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their
children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last
time you will have all the answers.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)