Back After a Short Break

"People in New York are always in a hurry. When you call 911 the


operator says, 'This better be good.'"

- David Letterman
 
The Washington Post published a contest for readers in which they


were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The

following were some of the winning entries.



· Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.



· Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have

gained.



· Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat

stomach.



· Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.



· Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent



· Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you

absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.



· Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.



· Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.



· Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after

you are run over by a steamroller.



· Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.



· Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.



· Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a

proctologist immediately before he examines you.



· Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with

Yiddish expressions.



· Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.



· Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul

goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.



· Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist
 
 
 
 
It's a sunny morning in the Big Forest and the Bear family is


just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small

chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl. It is empty!



"Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.



Daddy Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He

looks into his big bowl. It is also empty!



"Who's been eating my porridge?" he roars.



Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the

kitchen and yells, "For Pete's sake, how many times do we have to

go through this? It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy

Bear who woke everybody else in the house up. It was Mummy Bear

who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything

away. It was Mummy Bear who went out into the cold early morning

air to fetch the newspaper. It was Mummy Bear who set the table.

It was Mummy Bear who put the cat out, cleaned the litter box and

filled the cat's water & food dish. And now that you've decided

to come down stairs and grace me with your presence.... listen

good because I'm only going to say this one more time...I haven't

made the !@#$% porridge yet!!"
 
 
"Remember the scene in West Side Story when a guy is running


through Spanish Harlem yelling out, "Maria!"... and only one

woman comes to the window?"

- Bobby Slayton
 
 
The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her


supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it:



The nurse's hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off

her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of

the open front of her uniform!



"MISS JENNINGS! How can you account for parading around the

hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast

exposed!"



"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform,

"It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when

they're through using it!"
 
 
 
 
A young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a


degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper that

hired him was to write a human-interest story. Being from

Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research. He went

to an old farmer's house way back in the hills, introduced

himself and proceeded to explain to him why he was there.



The young man asked, "What's the most exciting thing that ever

happened around here?"



The farmer thought for a minute and said, " One time one of my

neighbor's sheep got lost. We formed a posse and found it. Then

we all screwed it and took it back home."



"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of

anything else exciting that happened?"



After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my

neighbor's daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a

big posse that time and found her. After we all screwed her, we

took her back home."



Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Okay let

try something else. What's the most terrible thing that ever

happened around here?"



The old farmer dropped his head and after a few seconds looked up

timidly at the young man and said,



"I got lost once."
 
 
"Barbra Streisand recently bought six fur coats at an expensive


Fifth Avenue store. Normally that would upset me, but I would

rather see Streisand wear fur than see Streisand naked."

- Jon Stewart
 
 
 
Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local


bar, when one said to the other:



"If I ask you a question, would you promise to answer me

honestly?"



"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."



"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around

here find my wife so attractive?"



"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the

second guy.



"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first

fellow. "My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"



"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't

noticed that she can't say 'NO'!"
 
 
HOW TO KNOW WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE CHILDREN




MESS TEST

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick

behind the couch and leave it there all summer.



TOY TEST

Obtain a 55-gallon box of LEGOs (or you may substitute roofing

tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a

blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream

because this would wake a child at night.



GROCERY STORE TEST

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them

with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for

anything they eat or damage.



DRESSING TEST

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net

bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.



FEEDING TEST

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend

from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to

insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while

pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on

the floor.



NIGHT TEST

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12

pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00 p.m. begin

to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 p.m. Lay down your bag

and set your alarm for 10:00 p.m. Get up, pick up your bag, and

sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more

and sing these too until 4:00 a. m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get

up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.



INGENUITY TEST

Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint,

turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn

it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and

a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a Ping-Pong ball, and

an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel

Tower.



AUTOMOBILE TEST

Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream

cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a

dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size

package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat.

Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.



PHYSICAL TEST (Women)

Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your

clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.



PHYSICAL TEST (Men)

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask

the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store.

Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be

directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home

and read it quietly for the last time.



FINAL ASSIGNMENT

Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how

they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet

training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can

improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their

children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last

time you will have all the answers.