tiger lost in the woods

Tiger Woods drives his new Volvo into a garage in St. John's on


his tour of Newfoundland, Canada.



The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland

manner, unawares as to who the golf pro. is.... Top of the

morning to you etc., etc



Tiger Woods bends down to pick up the pump, and two tees fall out

of his top pocket onto the ground.



"What are dey Son?" says the attendant.



"They're called tees" replies Tiger Woods.



"What're dey for?" enquires the Newfie



"They're for putting my balls on when I drive" says Tiger Woods



"Jaysus!" says the Newfie, "Dem boys at Volvo tink of fuckin'

everyting!!!"



"Let me make sure I'm crystal clear on this issue: Heavy metal


fans are buying heavy metal records, taking the records home and

listening to the records and then blowing their heads off with

shotguns... Where's the problem?"

- Denis Leary
 
There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one


named Sam. It was that time of year to satisfy the local female

population and young George was pretty excited.



"Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George.



"George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're

lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the

ladies in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam.



"Okay, I can do that." George answered.



Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just

like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there but Sam

had a few more instructions.



"Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one

end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle"

said Sam.



"OK, OK, let's go!" said George.



"Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These

gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect

and be polite. OK?" said Sam.



"Sure, sure" says George, "Let's go!"



Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts

at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he

remembers Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is

going along he makes sure to say -



"Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you

ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am..."
 
 
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend,


Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's

a beautiful day and love is in the air.



Marie leans over to Pierre and says: 'Pierre, kiss me!' Our hero

grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.



'What are you doing, Pierre?', says the startled Marie.



'I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I like to

have red wine!



She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a

little, Marie says, 'Pierre, kiss me lower.'



Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and

starts pouring it all over her breasts.



'Pierre! What are you doing?', asks the bewildered Marie.



'I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I like to

have white wine!'



They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam

up.



Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, 'Pierre, kiss me

lower!'



Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and

pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it on

fire.



Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep,

Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, 'PIERRE,

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?'



Our hero stands up, defiantly, and says, 'I am Pierre the fighter

pilot! When I go down, I go down in flames!'
 
 
"I am indeed shrinking, but that's okay because I can buy my


clothes off the rack in the children's department. It's great.

There I am at a wedding wearing this gorgeous gown. A five year

old was wearing the same one. Bitch!"

- Marla Lukofsky
 
 
 
A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply


for Social Security.



After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The

woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers license to

verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left

his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but

he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go

home and come back now?" he asks.



The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."



So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She

says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,"

and she processed his Social Security application.



When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his

experience at the Social Security office.



She said, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have

qualified for disability, too."
 
 
 
Three Frenchmen were sitting in a bistro enjoying their coffee,


when a young American approached and asked them for the

definition of the term "savoir faire".



The youngest of the trio said that it was tres simple - he would

define it with an example. "If you arrived at home and found your

wife in the passionate embrace of a stranger, and you said

'Excusez moi' and quietly departed, then you would have

demonstrated savoir faire".



"Mais non", said the second, older and more urbane Frenchman.

"Let me give a better example. If you arrived at home and found

your wife in the embrace of a stranger, and you said, 'Excusez

moi, continuez', and quietly departed, then you would have

exhibited savoir faire".



The third, and most venerable Frenchman shook his head and gave

the Gaelic equivalent of "close but no cigar", and said, "Let me

give you the proper answer. If you came home and found your wife

in the passionate embrace of a stranger and said, 'Excusez moi,

continuez' and he did - HE has savoir faire."
 
 
 
"My friend is an idiot. He smokes three packs of cigarettes a


day. He won't quit either. His big excuse is. 'Why should I quit

smoking? Anything could kill me. I could be crossing the street

one day and get hit by a bus.'

Maybe if you quit smoking you could cross the street a hell of a

lot faster."

- George Rogell
 
 
A carpenter gets called to do some work at the local house of ill


repute. The madam of the house explains that she wants him to

build a partition to divide one of the larger rooms into two

smaller rooms.



The carpenter spends all day building the partition and when he's

done he gives the madam a bill for $300.



The madam smiles and says, "We usually pay all our bills around

her in trade."



"Sorry ma'am" replies the carpenter, "it's $300 cash or this

partition comes out"



"But you can have some fun with any girl here," explains the

madam. "That's worth more than $300"



"Sorry ma'am," replies the carpenter, 'it's $300 cash or this

partition comes out"



"But my girls can fulfill your every desire. Choose any girl you

like."



The carpenter thinks a while and then says,



"You said any girl I want. Does that include you?"



The madam smiles seductively, "Why yes of course" and she starts

to disrobe.



Once she is naked on the bed the carpenter slowly and gently

inserts his thumb deep into her 'front opening'



She sighs and moans with pleasure.



Then the carpenter carefully inserts his middle finger deep into

her 'rear opening'



The madam is writhing in ecstasy



Then the carpenter suddenly clamps his thumb and finger together

and says,



"Like I was saying, it's $300 cash or this partition comes out"