how to reload

In the middle of the harvesting, one of the farmhands had to obeythe call of nature. He went to the edge of the field and started peeing. Most unfortunately, he was stung by a bee right on the"tip".




The pain was unbearable, but he knew a piece of good advice. Hewent to the farmer's house and put his penis in buttermilk.



At that moment the farmer's daughter came in. With her face red,she stood perfectly still looking at him.



"Have you never seen one of these before?" the farmhand asked.



To which the girl replied:



"Yes, but this is the first time I've seen one being reloaded!"









"There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night last night. I finally had to get up and let her out."- Henny Youngman















"In high school, my sister went out with the captain of the chess team. My parents loved him because he was the captain of the chess team. They figured that any guy that took hours to make a move was okay with them."- Brian Kiley















TOP 10 SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN



10. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag



9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of 13 cats



8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher



7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head



6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher



5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system



4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings



3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus



2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks



1. No toes





















The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishmancame in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad legover the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.



The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.



The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. Thebartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Jesus a glass of Chianti, too.



The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeeper, set me up a cold one! Hey,is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeeper nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.



As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" TheIrishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.



Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.



Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back andexclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!"















"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!'I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'"- Larry Miller





















A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon becamea nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough tosatisfy his young bride.



His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that allwas well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.



Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited thedoctor to get some advice.



"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make loveto my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"



The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in aprofessional manner, "Try a bit of self- stimulation beforehaving intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."



"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."



Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door whenhe arrived home.



"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," She cooedover the phone.



Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. Butwhere? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked inon him?



He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.



A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his"therapy".









A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapysession, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping hiseyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying,he said, "Yes?"



"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what youare doing, please?" Said the officer.



"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," He replied confidently.



"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there.Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."















There's an Englishman, an Irishman & a Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.



The Englishman says, " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shockedas I didn't even know she smokes."



The Scotsman says, "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter'sroom the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka. Iwas really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."



With that the Irishman says, "Both of you have got nothing toworry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day whenI found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock."















A young punk climbs on a city bus. The kid has spiked haircolored green, yellow and orange. His clothing is a tattered mixof rags, and his legs are partially bare and he has no shoes on.His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry, andhis earrings are big, bright, yellow and adorned with coloredfeathers.



The young punk sits down in the only vacant seat, which happensto be directly across the aisle from an old man, who just glar esat the kid for the next ten miles.



Finally, the self-conscious kid yells at the old man - "What thehell are you looking at, you old fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"



Without so much as missing a beat, the old man replies, "Well,yes I did. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I go treally drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot. I was thinking that you might be my son."









"My husband and I found this great new method of birth contro lthat really, really works... Every night before we go to bed, we spend an hour with our kids."- Roseanne















Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. Hewas finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn't seen in almost four years.



As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled,



"Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a purple heart on!"



To which the mother replied,



"I don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Joneses' for a couple hours.



























A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them,then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.



The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"



The guy says, "No, what?"



"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says thebartender.



"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats



everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue balland stuff."



He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.



Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey withhim. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around thebar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds amaraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt,pulls it out, and eats it.



The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"



"Now what?" asks the patron.



"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.



"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He stilleats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"