We all enter the world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked
in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing
doesn't have to stop right there.
- Dana Gould
The pretty young lady was having a tooth pulled. The dentist gave
her the usual "This won't hurt a bit" routine before bending over
her with a drill in his hand.
He immediately drew back in complete alarm. "Miss," he said in a
barely audible whisper, "You have hold of my testicles!"
"Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each
other, are we?
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning
my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice
came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.
"Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee
please!!"
I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the
interruption. Again the announcement,
"Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's
tee."
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more,
the man yelled:
"Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee,
PLEASE!
I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window
directly at the person with the microphone and shouted back,
"Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play
my second shot?"
"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C.- "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C.- "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D.- "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D.- "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D.- "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D.- "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for
lunch. At the beginning of the line there was a large pile of
apples. A nun had written a note,
"Take only one, God is watching."
At the end of the line there was a large stack of chocolate chip
cookies. A boy wrote a note and left it on the cookies that said,
"Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor
with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows a
little. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to
'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to
her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part
out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away
satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have
moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.
When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the
young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her
every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning
of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife
that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you
both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice,
"Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had
a deal."
The pastor handed back the $100 bill and whispered . ..
"She made me a much better offer."
"Hitler had only one testicle. It's true. You use facts like that
to make class more interesting. But that's the only thing kids
remember from that class. So you have a history test and the
question is, "The Causes of World War II" and the kid writes,
'Hitler had only one nut.'"
- Steve Binder
MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a bundle of contradiction.
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose.
She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk.
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
MOODS OF A MAN
Horny
A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction
to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive
patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of
aversion therapy.
"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it,
and stick it completely up your ass. Then remove it, rewrap it,
and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you
can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't
dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he
came back and saw the doctor again.
"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be
effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours!"
"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my
addiction," said the patient.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep
at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass."
On small town life: "My father is mayor of the town right now.
It's a small town so eventually everyone gets to be mayor. They
elected the mayor by radio last year. My dad was the fifth
caller"
- Jake Johansen
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a
question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly
hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from
a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver
said,
"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights
out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little
tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is
my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for the
last 25 years!"
The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual
event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up
and read his essay.
It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help
yesterday.
On hemorrhoids: "The examination is humiliating. You go in bent
over on a table, your pants around your ankles, and an old man
has a finger up your ass. It's a lot like summer camp."
- Jon Stewart
TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR SON HAS GROWN TOO OLD FOR BREAST FEEDING
10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.
1. Beard abrasions on areola.
A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap
on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read
"I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"
The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that:
No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give
him such a right.
He then teed up his ball, and with a mighty swing of his pitching
wedge lobbed the ball right on the green for a par 3. Just as he
was about to putt the ball into the hole he was hit on the head
with a golf ball, laying him out cold.
When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the
deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other
hand holding up 4 fingers.
"Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the
things they make it easier to do, don't need to be done."
- Andy Rooney
After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats, a
husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tells your
fortune and weight.
He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white
card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and an
absolutely great lover in bed!"
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
Crazy Mike walks into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,
"Look, I've got three girls coming over tonight. I've never had
three girls at once, so what have you got to keep me horny and
potent all night?"
The pharmacist reaches down, unlocks a bottom drawer and brings
up a box labeled 'Viagra Extra Strength' containing single
wrapped packets. He says, "Take one of these and you'll go crazy
for 12 hours."
Crazy Mike replies, "Hell, gimme three"
The next day Mike returns to the same pharmacist, who smiles and
asks,
"Well, how'd it go?"
In answer, Mike pulls down his pants, to display his penis that's
black and blue and blistered, one of the sorriest sights the
pharmacist had ever seen.
Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a tube of Ben Gay."
The pharmacist replies in horror. "You're not going to put Ben
Gay on that are you?"
Mike replies, "Hell, no, it's for my arm. The girls didn't show
up."
"'Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat
pork.' I'm sorry, what was that last one? 'Don't eat pork. God
has spoken.'
Is that the word of God or is that just pigs trying to outsmart
everybody?"
- Jon Stewart
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into
bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering
my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository
......it's up to you!"
Joe, a notoriously bad golfer, hits his ball off the first tee
and watches as it slices to the right and disappears through an
open window. Figuring that's the end of it, he gets another ball
out of his bag and plays on.
On the eighth hole, a police officer walks up to Joe on the
course and says, "Did you hit a golf ball through a window back
there?"
Joe says, "Yes I did."
"Well," says the police officer, "it knocked a lamp over, scaring
the dog, which raced out of the house onto the highway. A driver
rammed into a brick wall to avoid the dog, sending three people
to hospital. And it's all because you sliced the ball."
"Oh my goodness," says Joe, "is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is," the cop says.
"Try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit."
"When I was a kid a "crack salesman" just meant a guy was really
good at what he did."
- Bobby Slayton
Doctor's stories :
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife is going to have her
baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly, I noticed that there are several cabs and I was in the
wrong one.
************
At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an
elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," the patient
said sadly.
************
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife
that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not
more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest
of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
*************
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity
test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,
Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line
perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I
requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E
on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly
what I had asked. He was standing there with both his eyes
covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
***************
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The
patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and
now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him
quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see; the
man had over fifty patches on his body. Now the instructions
include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. And
you always wondered why instructions always seemed to state the
obvious!
**************
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
"How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete
confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years, when my
husband was alive.
**************
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your
breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky
Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient
replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a
foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
****************
A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She
asked, "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes," he answered. She asked, "Does
it work?" "Yes," he answered. "Can you get it over the counter?"
she asked. "I can if I take two," he answered.
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest
that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret
is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest thinks a while and says,
"That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and
do six cartwheels on your way to the altar."
"I don't care about anything. Like yesterday, Jimmy cracked corn.
I don't care."
- Howie Mandel
Attention Children - The Bathroom Door is Closed!
• Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions.
• Wait until I get out.
• Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, and I
am not trapped.
• I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since
you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might
occur while I was in there, but it's been 10 years and I want
some PRIVACY.
• Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am
done.
• Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.
• Do not go running back to the phone yelling "She's in the
BATHROOM!"
• Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.
• Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle
them. This was funny when you were two.
• Do not slide pennies, LEGOs, or notes under the door. Even when
you were two this got a little tiresome.
• If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still
talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk
away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen
to you when I am done.
• And yes, I still love you.
Signed Mom
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a
lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment
that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two
worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while
putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water
could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled
up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom,
dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the
professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely,
responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
I'd like to have kids. I get those maternal feelings. Like when
I'm laying on the couch and I can't reach the remote control.
- Kathleen Madigan
Harry and his wife were driving in the country when he saw a sign
that said, "Cow For Sale...$5,000"
He pulled in and said to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world
worth five thousand dollars."
The farmer said, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this!"
He lifted the cow's tail, and Harry saw that the cow had a snatch
just like a woman.
Harry got back in the car, turned to his wife, and began to cry,
"It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a
snatch like a woman and it's worth $5,000. And here I am, with
you, with a snatch like a cow, and you ain't worth shit!"
"Mr. Chilton," the analyst said, "I think this will be your last
visit."
"Does that mean I'm cured?" he asked.
"For all practical purposes, yes," she said. "I think we can
safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You
haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where
the kleptomania came from."
"Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you
something. Although our relationship is strictly professional,
it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do
something to repay you for helping me."
"You've paid my fee," the doctor said. "That's the only
responsibility you have."
"I know," Chilton said. "But isn't there some personal favor I
could do for you?"
"Well," the doctor said, "I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer
a relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television."
"Buffet" is a French term. It means, "Get up and get it yourself"
- Greg Ray
A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her
patients of their stutters. She came to a therapy session in a
revealing outfit and offered a blow job to anyone who could
pronounce the name of the city in which they were born without
stuttering.
The first man stood up and said, "B-B-B-B-B-B- Boston."
Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down.
The next guy stood and said, "Ca-Ca-Ca-Ca-Ca-Ca-Cleveland."
He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down.
The third guy stood and without hesitation said, "Miami."
The student fell to her knees and began performing oral sex on
the man. After finishing, she looked up and said, "What do you
have to say now?"
He replied, "...B-B-B-B-B-Beach."
Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the
first time to attend a conference. There was a large party
thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party,
they both staggered outside.
One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a
subway entrance.
When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed
the other emerging from the subway stairs.
"Where ya been?" he slurred.
"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the
train set that guy has in his basement!"
in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing
doesn't have to stop right there.
- Dana Gould
The pretty young lady was having a tooth pulled. The dentist gave
her the usual "This won't hurt a bit" routine before bending over
her with a drill in his hand.
He immediately drew back in complete alarm. "Miss," he said in a
barely audible whisper, "You have hold of my testicles!"
"Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each
other, are we?
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was beginning
my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice
came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.
"Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee
please!!"
I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the
interruption. Again the announcement,
"Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men's
tee."
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more,
the man yelled:
"Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee,
PLEASE!
I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window
directly at the person with the microphone and shouted back,
"Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play
my second shot?"
"Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C.- "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C.- "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D.- "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D.- "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D.- "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D.- "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for
lunch. At the beginning of the line there was a large pile of
apples. A nun had written a note,
"Take only one, God is watching."
At the end of the line there was a large stack of chocolate chip
cookies. A boy wrote a note and left it on the cookies that said,
"Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor
with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows a
little. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to
'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to
her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part
out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away
satisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have
moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.
When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the
young man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her
every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning
of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife
that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you
both shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice,
"Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had
a deal."
The pastor handed back the $100 bill and whispered . ..
"She made me a much better offer."
"Hitler had only one testicle. It's true. You use facts like that
to make class more interesting. But that's the only thing kids
remember from that class. So you have a history test and the
question is, "The Causes of World War II" and the kid writes,
'Hitler had only one nut.'"
- Steve Binder
MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
a woman is a bundle of contradiction.
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose.
She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,
she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk.
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
MOODS OF A MAN
Horny
A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction
to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive
patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of
aversion therapy.
"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it,
and stick it completely up your ass. Then remove it, rewrap it,
and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you
can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won't
dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he
came back and saw the doctor again.
"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be
effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours!"
"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my
addiction," said the patient.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep
at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass."
On small town life: "My father is mayor of the town right now.
It's a small town so eventually everyone gets to be mayor. They
elected the mayor by radio last year. My dad was the fifth
caller"
- Jake Johansen
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a
question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly
hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from
a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver
said,
"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights
out of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little
tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is
my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for the
last 25 years!"
The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual
event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up
and read his essay.
It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help
yesterday.
On hemorrhoids: "The examination is humiliating. You go in bent
over on a table, your pants around your ankles, and an old man
has a finger up your ass. It's a lot like summer camp."
- Jon Stewart
TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR SON HAS GROWN TOO OLD FOR BREAST FEEDING
10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.
1. Beard abrasions on areola.
A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tap
on his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read
"I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"
The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that:
No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not give
him such a right.
He then teed up his ball, and with a mighty swing of his pitching
wedge lobbed the ball right on the green for a par 3. Just as he
was about to putt the ball into the hole he was hit on the head
with a golf ball, laying him out cold.
When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw the
deaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the other
hand holding up 4 fingers.
"Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the
things they make it easier to do, don't need to be done."
- Andy Rooney
After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats, a
husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tells your
fortune and weight.
He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white
card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and an
absolutely great lover in bed!"
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
Crazy Mike walks into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,
"Look, I've got three girls coming over tonight. I've never had
three girls at once, so what have you got to keep me horny and
potent all night?"
The pharmacist reaches down, unlocks a bottom drawer and brings
up a box labeled 'Viagra Extra Strength' containing single
wrapped packets. He says, "Take one of these and you'll go crazy
for 12 hours."
Crazy Mike replies, "Hell, gimme three"
The next day Mike returns to the same pharmacist, who smiles and
asks,
"Well, how'd it go?"
In answer, Mike pulls down his pants, to display his penis that's
black and blue and blistered, one of the sorriest sights the
pharmacist had ever seen.
Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a tube of Ben Gay."
The pharmacist replies in horror. "You're not going to put Ben
Gay on that are you?"
Mike replies, "Hell, no, it's for my arm. The girls didn't show
up."
"'Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat
pork.' I'm sorry, what was that last one? 'Don't eat pork. God
has spoken.'
Is that the word of God or is that just pigs trying to outsmart
everybody?"
- Jon Stewart
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into
bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering
my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository
......it's up to you!"
Joe, a notoriously bad golfer, hits his ball off the first tee
and watches as it slices to the right and disappears through an
open window. Figuring that's the end of it, he gets another ball
out of his bag and plays on.
On the eighth hole, a police officer walks up to Joe on the
course and says, "Did you hit a golf ball through a window back
there?"
Joe says, "Yes I did."
"Well," says the police officer, "it knocked a lamp over, scaring
the dog, which raced out of the house onto the highway. A driver
rammed into a brick wall to avoid the dog, sending three people
to hospital. And it's all because you sliced the ball."
"Oh my goodness," says Joe, "is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is," the cop says.
"Try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit."
"When I was a kid a "crack salesman" just meant a guy was really
good at what he did."
- Bobby Slayton
Doctor's stories :
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife is going to have her
baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly, I noticed that there are several cabs and I was in the
wrong one.
************
At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an
elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
"Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," the patient
said sadly.
************
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife
that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not
more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest
of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
*************
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity
test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,
Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line
perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I
requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E
on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly
what I had asked. He was standing there with both his eyes
covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
***************
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having trouble
with one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The
patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and
now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him
quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see; the
man had over fifty patches on his body. Now the instructions
include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. And
you always wondered why instructions always seemed to state the
obvious!
**************
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,
"How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete
confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years, when my
husband was alive.
**************
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your
breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky
Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient
replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a
foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
****************
A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She
asked, "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes," he answered. She asked, "Does
it work?" "Yes," he answered. "Can you get it over the counter?"
she asked. "I can if I take two," he answered.
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest
that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret
is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest thinks a while and says,
"That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and
do six cartwheels on your way to the altar."
"I don't care about anything. Like yesterday, Jimmy cracked corn.
I don't care."
- Howie Mandel
Attention Children - The Bathroom Door is Closed!
• Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions.
• Wait until I get out.
• Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, and I
am not trapped.
• I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since
you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy might
occur while I was in there, but it's been 10 years and I want
some PRIVACY.
• Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am
done.
• Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.
• Do not go running back to the phone yelling "She's in the
BATHROOM!"
• Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.
• Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle
them. This was funny when you were two.
• Do not slide pennies, LEGOs, or notes under the door. Even when
you were two this got a little tiresome.
• If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still
talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walk
away, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen
to you when I am done.
• And yes, I still love you.
Signed Mom
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a
lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment
that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two
worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while
putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water
could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled
up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom,
dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the
professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely,
responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
I'd like to have kids. I get those maternal feelings. Like when
I'm laying on the couch and I can't reach the remote control.
- Kathleen Madigan
Harry and his wife were driving in the country when he saw a sign
that said, "Cow For Sale...$5,000"
He pulled in and said to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world
worth five thousand dollars."
The farmer said, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this!"
He lifted the cow's tail, and Harry saw that the cow had a snatch
just like a woman.
Harry got back in the car, turned to his wife, and began to cry,
"It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a
snatch like a woman and it's worth $5,000. And here I am, with
you, with a snatch like a cow, and you ain't worth shit!"
"Mr. Chilton," the analyst said, "I think this will be your last
visit."
"Does that mean I'm cured?" he asked.
"For all practical purposes, yes," she said. "I think we can
safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You
haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where
the kleptomania came from."
"Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you
something. Although our relationship is strictly professional,
it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do
something to repay you for helping me."
"You've paid my fee," the doctor said. "That's the only
responsibility you have."
"I know," Chilton said. "But isn't there some personal favor I
could do for you?"
"Well," the doctor said, "I'll tell you what. If you ever suffer
a relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television."
"Buffet" is a French term. It means, "Get up and get it yourself"
- Greg Ray
A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her
patients of their stutters. She came to a therapy session in a
revealing outfit and offered a blow job to anyone who could
pronounce the name of the city in which they were born without
stuttering.
The first man stood up and said, "B-B-B-B-B-B- Boston."
Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down.
The next guy stood and said, "Ca-Ca-Ca-Ca-Ca-Ca-Cleveland."
He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down.
The third guy stood and without hesitation said, "Miami."
The student fell to her knees and began performing oral sex on
the man. After finishing, she looked up and said, "What do you
have to say now?"
He replied, "...B-B-B-B-B-Beach."
Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the
first time to attend a conference. There was a large party
thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party,
they both staggered outside.
One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a
subway entrance.
When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed
the other emerging from the subway stairs.
"Where ya been?" he slurred.
"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the
train set that guy has in his basement!"
