There's no place like your homepage

"Yesterday in Egypt, archeologists discovered the burial site of


the 50 children of Ramses II... Fifty children! What I want to

know is, who decided to name a condom after this guy?"

- Conan O'Brien

During the Second World War an American secret service agent was


sent to Wales to pick up some very sensitive information from an

agent called Jones. His instructions were to walk around town

using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent.



He found himself on a desolate country road and where he ran into

a farmer.



"Hello," said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Jones."



"Well you're in luck boy-o," said the farmer, "there's lots of

folk named Jones 'round here. There's Jones the butcher, Jones

the baker, Jones the blacksmith, why even my name is Jones."



"Aha," thought the agent, "this could be my man." So he whispered

the secret code.



"The sun is shining... the grass is growing... the cows are ready

for milking."



"Oh," said the farmer, "you're looking for Jones the spy."
 
 
Subject: Restroom Signs




Friends don't let friends take home ugly men

- Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE



If you voted for Bush in the last election, you can't take a dump

here. Your asshole is in Washington.

- Men's room Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Washington



Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" its "Hi, how are you?"

- Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia



You're too good for him.

- Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevics, Beverly

Hill, CA



No wonder you always go home alone.

- Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly

Hills, CA



The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.

- Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL



No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of

putting up with her shit.

- Men's Room, Lindas Bar and Grill Chapel Hill, North Carolina



A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're

going to have trouble with it.

- Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort,Dallas,Texas



Express Lane: Five beers or less

- Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA



Beauty is only a light switch away. - Perkins Library, Duke

University, Durham, North Carolina.



If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then

let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. -

Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.



Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. -

Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
 
 
"I used to play doctor with this little girl in my neighborhood


all the time. One time we got caught. Luckily, it was a Wednesday

and we were just playing golf."

- Brian Kiley
 
 
 
Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject


turned to getting older. The first guy said,



"Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."



"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.



"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I

was able to get it up in bed, but my wife - she's healthier than

ever!"



"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.



"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed

she'd get these terrible headaches." He answered. "Now that we're

older, she hasn't had a headache in years."
 
 
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he


notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says,



"SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES."



He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on

without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says,



"SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES," and realizes

that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign

saying,



"SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT," his

curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.



On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building

with a small sign next to the door reading, "SISTERS OF MERCY."

He climbs the steps and rings the bell.



The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,

"What may we do for you, my son?"



He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was

interested in possibly doing business."



"Very well, my son. Please follow me."



He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite

disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man,

"Please knock on this door."



He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit and holding

a tin cup answers the door. This nun says, "Please place $50 in

the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this

hallway."



He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's

cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door,

pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he

finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:



GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
 
 
 
 
 
The child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother


asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"

The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back

tomorrow
 
 
 
 
NEW PROVERBS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM




1. Home is where you hang your @.

2. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.

3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

5. Great groups from little icons grow.



6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

7. In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.

8. Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.

9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.

10. The modem is the message.



11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.

12. The geek shall inherit the earth.

13. Don't byte off more than you can view.

14. Fax is stranger than fiction.

15. What boots up, must come down.



16. Windows will never cease.

17. Virtual reality is its own reward.

18. Modulation in all things.

19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to

use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

20. There's no place like your homepage.
 
 
 
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling


event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the

gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's

trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research

we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of

this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get

you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"



The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American

and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an

opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the

American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!



A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer

buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He

couldn't watch the ending.



Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from

the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the

Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with

a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting

the pin and winning the match.



The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American

wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold?

No one has ever done it before!"



The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got

me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw

this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had

nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched

out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd

be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
 
 
A gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and while stopped at


a stop sign, they are rear ended (no pun intended) by a big semi.



Furious, the guy in the passenger side throws his purse on the

seat, gets out of the car, goes back to the truck and starts

banging on the door.



The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy, standing there

with his hands on his hips, says, "I'm gonna sue your ass, Buddy!

"



The truck driver just laughs and says, "Blow me!"



The gay guy runs back to the car and says excitedly to his lover,



"You won't believe this, he wants to settle out of court!"
 
 
 
 
It is the Olympic men's figure skating competition. Out comes the


Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a

slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without

any great artistic feel for the music.



The Judges' scores read:

Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0



Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and

stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the

crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He

slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center

during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying

performance.



The Judges' scores read:

Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0



Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey

jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the

ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose, which starts

bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips

again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling

over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding

mess.



The Judges' scores read:

Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0



The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison,

"How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!"



To which the Irish judge replies "You've gotta remember, it's

damn slippery out there."