In the middle of the harvesting, one of the farmhands had to obeythe call of nature. He went to the edge of the field and started peeing. Most unfortunately, he was stung by a bee right on the"tip".
The pain was unbearable, but he knew a piece of good advice. Hewent to the farmer's house and put his penis in buttermilk.
At that moment the farmer's daughter came in. With her face red,she stood perfectly still looking at him.
"Have you never seen one of these before?" the farmhand asked.
To which the girl replied:
"Yes, but this is the first time I've seen one being reloaded!"
"There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night last night. I finally had to get up and let her out."- Henny Youngman
"In high school, my sister went out with the captain of the chess team. My parents loved him because he was the captain of the chess team. They figured that any guy that took hours to make a move was okay with them."- Brian Kiley
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU HIRED THE WRONG KID TO MOW YOUR LAWN
10. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag
9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of 13 cats
8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher
7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head
6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher
5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system
4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings
3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus
2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks
1. No toes
The bartender was washing his glasses, when an elderly Irishmancame in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad legover the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. Thebartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Jesus a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeeper, set me up a cold one! Hey,is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeeper nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" TheIrishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back andexclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawin' disability!"
"I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!'I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'"- Larry Miller
A middle-aged businessman took a young woman half his age as his wife. The fantasy of having a young woman in his bed soon becamea nightmare when he found that he could not last long enough tosatisfy his young bride.
His wife, as understanding as she was exciting, told him that allwas well even if he was quick to get out of the saddle.
Determined to satisfy this sweet young thing, the man visited thedoctor to get some advice.
"Doctor, I can't seem to hold back for very long when I make loveto my young wife and I can't satisfy her. What can I do?"
The doctor smiled, patted him on the shoulder, and said in aprofessional manner, "Try a bit of self- stimulation beforehaving intercourse with your wife and you'll find that you'll last longer and ultimately satisfy her."
"Okay, Doctor. If you think that will help."
Later that afternoon, his young bride called him at work to let him know that she would be attacking him at the front door whenhe arrived home.
"Be prepared, my darling. I'm going to ravish you," She cooedover the phone.
Undaunted, the man decided to follow the doctor's advice. Butwhere? In the office? The Xerox room? What if someone walked inon him?
He got in his truck and began the journey home. Soon he decided he would find a spot on the road to pull over, climb underneath the truck and pretend to be inspecting the rear axle, and do the deed there.
A moment later, he pulled over, crawled beneath the truck, closed his eyes tightly, fantasized about his young wife, and began his"therapy".
A few minutes later, just as he was about to complete his therapysession, he felt someone tugging on his pants leg. Keeping hiseyes tightly shut to avoid ruining the fantasy he was enjoying,he said, "Yes?"
"Sir, I'm with the Police Department. Could you tell me what youare doing, please?" Said the officer.
"Yes, officer, I'm inspecting my truck's rear axle," He replied confidently.
"Well, why don't you check the brakes while you're down there.Your truck rolled down the hill a few minutes ago."
There's an Englishman, an Irishman & a Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says, " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shockedas I didn't even know she smokes."
The Scotsman says, "That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter'sroom the other day when I came across a full bottle of Vodka. Iwas really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says, "Both of you have got nothing toworry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day whenI found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock."
A young punk climbs on a city bus. The kid has spiked haircolored green, yellow and orange. His clothing is a tattered mixof rags, and his legs are partially bare and he has no shoes on.His entire face and body are riddled with pierced jewelry, andhis earrings are big, bright, yellow and adorned with coloredfeathers.
The young punk sits down in the only vacant seat, which happensto be directly across the aisle from an old man, who just glar esat the kid for the next ten miles.
Finally, the self-conscious kid yells at the old man - "What thehell are you looking at, you old fart? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were young?"
Without so much as missing a beat, the old man replies, "Well,yes I did. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I go treally drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot. I was thinking that you might be my son."
"My husband and I found this great new method of birth contro lthat really, really works... Every night before we go to bed, we spend an hour with our kids."- Roseanne
Sam had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. Hewas finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn't seen in almost four years.
As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled,
"Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy, and he's got a purple heart on!"
To which the mother replied,
"I don't give a damn what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at the Joneses' for a couple hours.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them,then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.
The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says, "No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says thebartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats
everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue balland stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey withhim. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around thebar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds amaraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt,pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?"
"Now what?" asks the patron.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He stilleats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Thursday, October 22, 2009
There's no place like your homepage
"Yesterday in Egypt, archeologists discovered the burial site of
the 50 children of Ramses II... Fifty children! What I want to
know is, who decided to name a condom after this guy?"
- Conan O'Brien
During the Second World War an American secret service agent was
sent to Wales to pick up some very sensitive information from an
agent called Jones. His instructions were to walk around town
using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent.
He found himself on a desolate country road and where he ran into
a farmer.
"Hello," said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Jones."
"Well you're in luck boy-o," said the farmer, "there's lots of
folk named Jones 'round here. There's Jones the butcher, Jones
the baker, Jones the blacksmith, why even my name is Jones."
"Aha," thought the agent, "this could be my man." So he whispered
the secret code.
"The sun is shining... the grass is growing... the cows are ready
for milking."
"Oh," said the farmer, "you're looking for Jones the spy."
Subject: Restroom Signs
Friends don't let friends take home ugly men
- Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
If you voted for Bush in the last election, you can't take a dump
here. Your asshole is in Washington.
- Men's room Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Washington
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" its "Hi, how are you?"
- Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia
You're too good for him.
- Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevics, Beverly
Hill, CA
No wonder you always go home alone.
- Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly
Hills, CA
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
- Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
putting up with her shit.
- Men's Room, Lindas Bar and Grill Chapel Hill, North Carolina
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're
going to have trouble with it.
- Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort,Dallas,Texas
Express Lane: Five beers or less
- Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA
Beauty is only a light switch away. - Perkins Library, Duke
University, Durham, North Carolina.
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then
let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. -
Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. -
Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
"I used to play doctor with this little girl in my neighborhood
all the time. One time we got caught. Luckily, it was a Wednesday
and we were just playing golf."
- Brian Kiley
Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject
turned to getting older. The first guy said,
"Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."
"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.
"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I
was able to get it up in bed, but my wife - she's healthier than
ever!"
"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.
"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed
she'd get these terrible headaches." He answered. "Now that we're
older, she hasn't had a headache in years."
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he
notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says,
"SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES."
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on
without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says,
"SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES," and realizes
that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign
saying,
"SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT," his
curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building
with a small sign next to the door reading, "SISTERS OF MERCY."
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
"What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was
interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man,
"Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit and holding
a tin cup answers the door. This nun says, "Please place $50 in
the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this
hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's
cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door,
pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he
finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
The child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother
asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back
tomorrow
NEW PROVERBS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM
1. Home is where you hang your @.
2. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.
9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. Don't byte off more than you can view.
14. Fax is stranger than fiction.
15. What boots up, must come down.
16. Windows will never cease.
17. Virtual reality is its own reward.
18. Modulation in all things.
19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to
use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
20. There's no place like your homepage.
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling
event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the
gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's
trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research
we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of
this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get
you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American
and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an
opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the
American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!
A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer
buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He
couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from
the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the
Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with
a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting
the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American
wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold?
No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got
me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw
this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had
nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched
out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd
be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
A gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and while stopped at
a stop sign, they are rear ended (no pun intended) by a big semi.
Furious, the guy in the passenger side throws his purse on the
seat, gets out of the car, goes back to the truck and starts
banging on the door.
The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy, standing there
with his hands on his hips, says, "I'm gonna sue your ass, Buddy!
"
The truck driver just laughs and says, "Blow me!"
The gay guy runs back to the car and says excitedly to his lover,
"You won't believe this, he wants to settle out of court!"
It is the Olympic men's figure skating competition. Out comes the
Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a
slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without
any great artistic feel for the music.
The Judges' scores read:
Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0
Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and
stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the
crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He
slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center
during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying
performance.
The Judges' scores read:
Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0
Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey
jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the
ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose, which starts
bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips
again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling
over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding
mess.
The Judges' scores read:
Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0
The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison,
"How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!"
To which the Irish judge replies "You've gotta remember, it's
damn slippery out there."
the 50 children of Ramses II... Fifty children! What I want to
know is, who decided to name a condom after this guy?"
- Conan O'Brien
During the Second World War an American secret service agent was
sent to Wales to pick up some very sensitive information from an
agent called Jones. His instructions were to walk around town
using a code phrase until he met his fellow agent.
He found himself on a desolate country road and where he ran into
a farmer.
"Hello," said the agent, "I'm looking for a man called Jones."
"Well you're in luck boy-o," said the farmer, "there's lots of
folk named Jones 'round here. There's Jones the butcher, Jones
the baker, Jones the blacksmith, why even my name is Jones."
"Aha," thought the agent, "this could be my man." So he whispered
the secret code.
"The sun is shining... the grass is growing... the cows are ready
for milking."
"Oh," said the farmer, "you're looking for Jones the spy."
Subject: Restroom Signs
Friends don't let friends take home ugly men
- Women's restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE
If you voted for Bush in the last election, you can't take a dump
here. Your asshole is in Washington.
- Men's room Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Washington
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" its "Hi, how are you?"
- Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia
You're too good for him.
- Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevics, Beverly
Hill, CA
No wonder you always go home alone.
- Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly
Hills, CA
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
- Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
putting up with her shit.
- Men's Room, Lindas Bar and Grill Chapel Hill, North Carolina
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're
going to have trouble with it.
- Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort,Dallas,Texas
Express Lane: Five beers or less
- Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills,CA
Beauty is only a light switch away. - Perkins Library, Duke
University, Durham, North Carolina.
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then
let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. -
Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. -
Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
"I used to play doctor with this little girl in my neighborhood
all the time. One time we got caught. Luckily, it was a Wednesday
and we were just playing golf."
- Brian Kiley
Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject
turned to getting older. The first guy said,
"Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."
"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.
"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I
was able to get it up in bed, but my wife - she's healthier than
ever!"
"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.
"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed
she'd get these terrible headaches." He answered. "Now that we're
older, she hasn't had a headache in years."
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he
notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says,
"SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES."
He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on
without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says,
"SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES," and realizes
that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign
saying,
"SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT," his
curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building
with a small sign next to the door reading, "SISTERS OF MERCY."
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
"What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was
interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man,
"Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit and holding
a tin cup answers the door. This nun says, "Please place $50 in
the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this
hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's
cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door,
pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he
finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
The child comes home from his first day at school. His Mother
asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back
tomorrow
NEW PROVERBS FOR THE NEW MILLENNIUM
1. Home is where you hang your @.
2. The email of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. In some places, C:\ is the root of all directories.
8. Oh, what a tangled Website we weave when first we practice.
9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. Don't byte off more than you can view.
14. Fax is stranger than fiction.
15. What boots up, must come down.
16. Windows will never cease.
17. Virtual reality is its own reward.
18. Modulation in all things.
19. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him to
use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
20. There's no place like your homepage.
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling
event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the
gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's
trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research
we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of
this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get
you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American
and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an
opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the
American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold!
A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer
buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He
couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from
the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the
Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with
a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting
the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American
wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold?
No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got
me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw
this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had
nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched
out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd
be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
A gay couple is driving along one afternoon, and while stopped at
a stop sign, they are rear ended (no pun intended) by a big semi.
Furious, the guy in the passenger side throws his purse on the
seat, gets out of the car, goes back to the truck and starts
banging on the door.
The truck driver opens the door and the gay guy, standing there
with his hands on his hips, says, "I'm gonna sue your ass, Buddy!
"
The truck driver just laughs and says, "Blow me!"
The gay guy runs back to the car and says excitedly to his lover,
"You won't believe this, he wants to settle out of court!"
It is the Olympic men's figure skating competition. Out comes the
Russian competitor, he skates around to some classical music in a
slightly dull costume, performs some excellent leaps but without
any great artistic feel for the music.
The Judges' scores read:
Britain 5.8: Russia 5.9: United States 5.5: Ireland 6.0
Next comes the American competitor in a sparkling stars and
stripes costume, skating to some rock and roll music. He gets the
crowd clapping, but is not technically as good as the Russian. He
slightly misses landing a triple Salchow and loses the center
during a spin. But, artistically, it is a more satisfying
performance.
The Judges' scores read:
Britain 5.8: Russia 5.5: United States 5.9: Ireland 6.0
Finally out comes the Irish competitor wearing a tatty old donkey
jacket, with his skates tied over his wellies. He reaches the
ice, trips straight away and bangs his nose, which starts
bleeding. He tries to get up, staggers a few paces then slips
again. He spends his entire 'routine' getting up then falling
over again. Finally he crawls off the ice a tattered and bleeding
mess.
The Judges' scores read:
Britain 0.0: Russia 0.0: United States 0.0: Ireland 6.0
The other 3 judges turn to the Irish judge and demand in unison,
"How the hell can you give that mess 6.0?!"
To which the Irish judge replies "You've gotta remember, it's
damn slippery out there."
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
tuesjokes -don't backspace characters on a pc
"Film critic Rex Reed was arrested at a New York City TowerRecords this week for allegedly shoplifting three CDs. Legal experts believe that if Reed does go to prison, he could get thirty-three-hundred thumbs up."- Colin Quinn
Someone left the zebra's cage open in the middle of the night and he escaped and ran away to a local farm.
Early the next morning, he approached an old hen, saying,
"What do you do around here?"
The hen replied, "I lay eggs for the farmer's breakfast."
The zebra walked over to the cow, asking, "What do you do?"
The cow replied, "I give milk for the farmer's breakfast."
The zebra then spied an enormous bull and asked the same question.
The bull looked at the zebra with a quizzical smile and said,"Take off those faggy pajamas and I'll show you what I do around here."
Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has togo the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus agrees
As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter'stools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be admitted into heaven.
The man explains, "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people,but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn't really come into this world in the usual way.
I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son."
Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes and asks, "Father?"
The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks,"Pinocchio?"
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not the color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end"- Jerry Seinfeld
"How come you're late?" the bartender asks the blonde waitress as she walks in the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken,his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. ThankGod I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
In a nearly empty London pub on a filthy winter's day, there were several patrons quietly drinking when in comes your stereotypical American visitor, obviously unimpressed by the country, its weather and everything else about it.
He says loudly: "What a lousy country. The bars are shut half the time, it's cold, wet and windy, the beer tastes like piss and is served at the same temperature, the streets are packed and you can't even get a cab."
Several people quietly leave.
He looks at a gentleman quietly sipping a pink gin and says: "Heylimey, how can you bear to live in such a miserable place?"
He is ignored, more people leave.
After some more of this only the gentleman with the pink gin, the barman and the American are left in the pub.
He says: "Hey, limey: I'm talking to you. I've been to damn nea revery country in the world and this is the lousiest. I dunno how you can bear to live here. This country is just the asshole of the world."
The gentleman with the pink gin pauses, takes another sip and,turning, delicately enquires of the American:
"Oh, yes. Just passing through, are you?"
Q: What's the difference between snot and cauliflower?
A: Kids will eat snot
Things That Can Drive A Sane Person Insane:
· The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper that never works.
· There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of thetray.
· You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic tag in the middle of them.
· The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
· The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
· There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
· You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
· There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING!
· You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
· Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
· You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
· You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
· Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
· A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near theradio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
· You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
· The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
· A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
· You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7 PM instead of 7am.
You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob toget out.
· Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
· You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
· You have to inform five different sales people in the samestore that you're just browsing.
A man was feeling very depressed. He walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and found my wife having sex with my best friend."
"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch.
"No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on thehouse."
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him "What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straightin the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your friend?"
The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said, 'BAD DOG! BAAAD DOG!'"
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes,smiles, and then slurs,
"Not anymore!... He is!"
QUESTION:"Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?"
ANSWER:The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:
The Catholic Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness.The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words,such as "breast", "sex", and "contraception".
Some Protestant sects believe that the characters' destinations are predestined; and that it's therefore not worth worrying about--- they'll go where they're supposed to go, according to the unknowable plans of the OEM.
The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower case letters will become upper case.
The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares?It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted,undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.
The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PCand then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC,you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.
Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.
PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation:You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!
Someone left the zebra's cage open in the middle of the night and he escaped and ran away to a local farm.
Early the next morning, he approached an old hen, saying,
"What do you do around here?"
The hen replied, "I lay eggs for the farmer's breakfast."
The zebra walked over to the cow, asking, "What do you do?"
The cow replied, "I give milk for the farmer's breakfast."
The zebra then spied an enormous bull and asked the same question.
The bull looked at the zebra with a quizzical smile and said,"Take off those faggy pajamas and I'll show you what I do around here."
Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has togo the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus agrees
As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter'stools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be admitted into heaven.
The man explains, "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people,but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn't really come into this world in the usual way.
I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son."
Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes and asks, "Father?"
The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks,"Pinocchio?"
"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not the color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end"- Jerry Seinfeld
"How come you're late?" the bartender asks the blonde waitress as she walks in the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken,his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. ThankGod I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"
In a nearly empty London pub on a filthy winter's day, there were several patrons quietly drinking when in comes your stereotypical American visitor, obviously unimpressed by the country, its weather and everything else about it.
He says loudly: "What a lousy country. The bars are shut half the time, it's cold, wet and windy, the beer tastes like piss and is served at the same temperature, the streets are packed and you can't even get a cab."
Several people quietly leave.
He looks at a gentleman quietly sipping a pink gin and says: "Heylimey, how can you bear to live in such a miserable place?"
He is ignored, more people leave.
After some more of this only the gentleman with the pink gin, the barman and the American are left in the pub.
He says: "Hey, limey: I'm talking to you. I've been to damn nea revery country in the world and this is the lousiest. I dunno how you can bear to live here. This country is just the asshole of the world."
The gentleman with the pink gin pauses, takes another sip and,turning, delicately enquires of the American:
"Oh, yes. Just passing through, are you?"
Q: What's the difference between snot and cauliflower?
A: Kids will eat snot
Things That Can Drive A Sane Person Insane:
· The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper that never works.
· There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of thetray.
· You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic tag in the middle of them.
· The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
· The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
· There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
· You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
· There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING!
· You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
· Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
· You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
· You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
· Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
· A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near theradio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
· You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
· The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
· A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
· You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7 PM instead of 7am.
You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob toget out.
· Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
· You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
· You have to inform five different sales people in the samestore that you're just browsing.
A man was feeling very depressed. He walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and found my wife having sex with my best friend."
"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch.
"No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on thehouse."
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him "What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straightin the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your friend?"
The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said, 'BAD DOG! BAAAD DOG!'"
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes,smiles, and then slurs,
"Not anymore!... He is!"
QUESTION:"Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?"
ANSWER:The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:
The Catholic Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness.The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words,such as "breast", "sex", and "contraception".
Some Protestant sects believe that the characters' destinations are predestined; and that it's therefore not worth worrying about--- they'll go where they're supposed to go, according to the unknowable plans of the OEM.
The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower case letters will become upper case.
The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares?It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted,undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.
The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PCand then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC,you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.
Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.
PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation:You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!
Monday, October 19, 2009
Thursday/friday/saturday & sunday quota
Hi all,
sorry for the long gap. i removed the snap of mine playing with a snake cos everybody started questioning me about what happened to it after the photoshoot and they also forgot to read the jokes . so the best way was to eliminate the distraction.
c b shetty
"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy and he said.'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh yeah? Why?' and I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'"- Emo Philips
Handy Tips
· A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
· FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive carphone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and jumping the curb.
· DRILL a one-inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
· SAVE gas by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
· SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
· HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of dishwashing liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping cart and the other in your coat pocket.
· LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12pounds in only 2 days.
· AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
A deaf couple are getting married, and the man decides that they should make sure from the start that they understand important matters, so using sign language he explains to his bride:
"When - I - want - sex - with - you, - I - will - squeeze - your- left - breast - once."
"When - I - do - NOT - want - sex - with - you, - I - will -squeeze - your - right - breast - twice."
"When - you - want - sex - with - me, - you - should - pull - my- penis - once."
"When - you - do - NOT - want - sex - with - me, - you - should -pull - my - penis - fifty - five - times."
"I'm into golf now. I'm getting pretty good. I can almost hit the ball as far as I can throw the clubs."- Bob Ettinger
As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day,the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which isa major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction.The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim,
"Wow! It just missed the highway!"
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, afresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown,gourmet mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," shesaid.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster.
It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard'Poupon.'"
"I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house."- Roseanne
A man walked into a pub. The bartender asked if he would like totry the pub's special challenge.
"If you can grab the t-bone steaks from that high ceiling over there I will give you a months supply of beer. However, if you fail you have to give me one-thousand pounds'.
The man thought about this.
He looked at the ceiling.
He looked at the T-bones
He looked at the beer taps
Finally he said, " After thinking about it, I don't think I should risk it"
"Why is that?" asked the bartender.
The man replied "The steaks are too high."
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and admitted her, hoping she would be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tastybreakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking alovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed upto catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.
Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjustingto her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Everyone here is so nice and helpful. There's only one problem"
"What is it Ma?"
"They won't let me fart."
"Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat... THAT'S bad for you!"- Tommy
Smothers
sorry for the long gap. i removed the snap of mine playing with a snake cos everybody started questioning me about what happened to it after the photoshoot and they also forgot to read the jokes . so the best way was to eliminate the distraction.
c b shetty
"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy and he said.'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh yeah? Why?' and I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'"- Emo Philips
Handy Tips
· A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
· FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive carphone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and jumping the curb.
· DRILL a one-inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
· SAVE gas by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
· SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
· HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of dishwashing liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping cart and the other in your coat pocket.
· LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12pounds in only 2 days.
· AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
A deaf couple are getting married, and the man decides that they should make sure from the start that they understand important matters, so using sign language he explains to his bride:
"When - I - want - sex - with - you, - I - will - squeeze - your- left - breast - once."
"When - I - do - NOT - want - sex - with - you, - I - will -squeeze - your - right - breast - twice."
"When - you - want - sex - with - me, - you - should - pull - my- penis - once."
"When - you - do - NOT - want - sex - with - me, - you - should -pull - my - penis - fifty - five - times."
"I'm into golf now. I'm getting pretty good. I can almost hit the ball as far as I can throw the clubs."- Bob Ettinger
As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day,the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which isa major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction.The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim,
"Wow! It just missed the highway!"
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, afresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown,gourmet mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," shesaid.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster.
It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard'Poupon.'"
"I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house."- Roseanne
A man walked into a pub. The bartender asked if he would like totry the pub's special challenge.
"If you can grab the t-bone steaks from that high ceiling over there I will give you a months supply of beer. However, if you fail you have to give me one-thousand pounds'.
The man thought about this.
He looked at the ceiling.
He looked at the T-bones
He looked at the beer taps
Finally he said, " After thinking about it, I don't think I should risk it"
"Why is that?" asked the bartender.
The man replied "The steaks are too high."
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and admitted her, hoping she would be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tastybreakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking alovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed upto catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.
Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjustingto her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Everyone here is so nice and helpful. There's only one problem"
"What is it Ma?"
"They won't let me fart."
"Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat... THAT'S bad for you!"- Tommy
Smothers
A drunk stumbles upon a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,
"Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher... I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I haven't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says,
"Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone,
"My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher ...
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,
"Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it!"
A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
Suzie meets up with Sandi as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
Suzie asks, "Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness" Sandi replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah I was, but he didn't. I was SO relieved when he told me allI needed was blinker fluid."
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents theweek before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied,
"No, but Grandma is!"
"This week, a mobile van is traveling around the city offering New Yorkers free prostate screenings. Actually, I'm not sure thewhole thing is legit, because the van has shag carpeting."
A compilation of statements from actual grade school papers:
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and the climate ofthe Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had Myths. A Myth is a female moth.
5. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
6. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose ofwedlock. After his death his career suffered a dramatic decline.
7. Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for long.
8. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields ofGaul. The ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made King. Dying, he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus.'
9. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by BernardShaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
10. Another story was William Tell who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his sons head.
11. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen.' As a Queen she was a great success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted 'hurrah.'
12. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is ahistorical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 footclipper.
13. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was WilliamShakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because ofhis plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of heroiccouplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
14. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton.Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
15. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the contented congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers ofthe declaration of independence. Franklin discovered electricityby rubbing two cats backwards and declared, 'A horse divided against itself cannot stand.' Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an oldspinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German and Half Italian and halfEnglish. He was very large.
17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.
18. The ninteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam boat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented theMcCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
19. Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin wasa naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Madam Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
20. The first world war, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
A Newfoundlander was walking past his neighbor one day with hisdog in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
The neighbor asked, "Where you going boy?"
The man said, "To shoot my dog"
The neighbor said, "Is he mad?"
The man said, "Well he's not too happy about it."
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Jokes from a Friend (jb from b'lore)
Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!
Signboard outside a prostitute's house:Married MEN not allowed.
We serve the needy, not the greedy...
New AIDS awareness slogan
:Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.Q: Why is $ex like shaving?
A: Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again...
Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.
Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.
Q: What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY..... it is SHOW TIME!
Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later
Advantages of having an affair with a married women.
They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell and there is no wedding bell!
My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise .
Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!
Signboard outside a prostitute's house:Married MEN not allowed.
We serve the needy, not the greedy...
New AIDS awareness slogan
:Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.Q: Why is $ex like shaving?
A: Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again...
Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.
Q: Why do 90% gals have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% boys are right handed.
Q: What is the difference between a PANTY & a STAGE CURTAIN?
A: When you pull down the STAGE CURTAIN, the show is over, but when you pull down the PANTY..... it is SHOW TIME!
Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later
Advantages of having an affair with a married women.
They give like hell.
They do not yell.
They do not tell.
They do not swell and there is no wedding bell!
My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise .
Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
wednesday special
"It's weird; I have a parent who's a shrink. It's hard to thinkof my mom solving other people's problems when she's the root of all mine."- Carol Leifer
"The bus scares me. Way too many gross people on the bus. Sixty-five people on the bus and I was the last one on. I felt like calling Unsolved Mysteries. 'Yeah, I found everybody'"- Kathleen Madigan
Two cannibals were eating a clown when one of them looks at theother and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?" -Godknows Who
The Penis Poem
My nookie days are over,My pilot light is out,What used to be my sex appeal,Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,From my trousers it would spring,But now I've got a full-time job,To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing,The way it would behave,For every single morning,It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,It sure gives me the blues,To see it hang its little head,And watch me tie my shoes!
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."
"Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
Two newfies are sightseeing in Toronto. They decide to call it a day and go for a drink.
They enter this flashy looking bar with a mirrored wall along one side and flashing lights everywhere. They sit themselves at the bar and one newf looks up in the direction of the mirrored wall and says to his friend.
"Hey Bob, it looks like there are a couple of down home boys just like us sitting at the other end of this bar."
"Well then John," said the other, "go and over and offer them a drink."
As John leaves to offer the drink, Bob shouts out.
"Hey John, sit down again. I think they're going to buy us one."
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so badI couldn't see where the ball went."
"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife,"Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore,"protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, andthe ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forget."
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn while the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies.
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you inand write you up."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."
A father told his son, Little Johnny, now aged 10, that it was time he talked to him about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh Dad," Johnny sobbed, "At age 6 I got the 'There's no Santa'speech. At age 7 I got the 'There's no Easter bunny' speech.Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy'speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really screw, I've got nothing left to live for!"
Q. What's the Australian kiss?
A. The same thing as a French kiss, only down under!
An guy was waiting in the down-town L. A. bus station for the bus to Pasadena. He spotted a machine with a sign that read:
YOUR HEIGHT, YOUR WEIGHT, YOUR FORTUNE $1.00
He stepped on the scale and dropped a dollar bill in the slot.Out came a card that said:
"You are 5 feet 10 inches tall. You weigh 160 pounds, and you are waiting for the bus to Pasadena."
The guy thought, "How did that machine know that? Well, I'll fool it."
He went downstairs to the men's room, rolled up his coat collar,pulled down the brim of his hat, and put on a fake beard. He tiptoed back up the stairs, sneaked along the wall, spun around and jumped on the scale and quickly placed another dollar in the slot. Out came a card that read:
"You are 5 feet 10 inches tall, you weigh 160 pounds, and while you were screwing around down in the men's room, you missed the bus to Pasadena."
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The bodyheat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her handswarmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend, and he said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The daughter replied, "Put them between my legs, they'll warmup."
The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold."
The daughter replied, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up."He did, and his nose warmed up.
The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis.
The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?"
The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they defrost!"
Q- Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
A- Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic-anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Anyman that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was the object in the prince's pants?
They were M&M's of course.They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. (What were you thinking?)
The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared. It said
"Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."
"The bus scares me. Way too many gross people on the bus. Sixty-five people on the bus and I was the last one on. I felt like calling Unsolved Mysteries. 'Yeah, I found everybody'"- Kathleen Madigan
Two cannibals were eating a clown when one of them looks at theother and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?" -Godknows Who
The Penis Poem
My nookie days are over,My pilot light is out,What used to be my sex appeal,Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,From my trousers it would spring,But now I've got a full-time job,To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing,The way it would behave,For every single morning,It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,It sure gives me the blues,To see it hang its little head,And watch me tie my shoes!
A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."
"Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
Two newfies are sightseeing in Toronto. They decide to call it a day and go for a drink.
They enter this flashy looking bar with a mirrored wall along one side and flashing lights everywhere. They sit themselves at the bar and one newf looks up in the direction of the mirrored wall and says to his friend.
"Hey Bob, it looks like there are a couple of down home boys just like us sitting at the other end of this bar."
"Well then John," said the other, "go and over and offer them a drink."
As John leaves to offer the drink, Bob shouts out.
"Hey John, sit down again. I think they're going to buy us one."
"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so badI couldn't see where the ball went."
"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife,"Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore,"protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, andthe ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forget."
A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn while the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies.
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you inand write you up."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."
A father told his son, Little Johnny, now aged 10, that it was time he talked to him about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh Dad," Johnny sobbed, "At age 6 I got the 'There's no Santa'speech. At age 7 I got the 'There's no Easter bunny' speech.Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy'speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really screw, I've got nothing left to live for!"
Q. What's the Australian kiss?
A. The same thing as a French kiss, only down under!
An guy was waiting in the down-town L. A. bus station for the bus to Pasadena. He spotted a machine with a sign that read:
YOUR HEIGHT, YOUR WEIGHT, YOUR FORTUNE $1.00
He stepped on the scale and dropped a dollar bill in the slot.Out came a card that said:
"You are 5 feet 10 inches tall. You weigh 160 pounds, and you are waiting for the bus to Pasadena."
The guy thought, "How did that machine know that? Well, I'll fool it."
He went downstairs to the men's room, rolled up his coat collar,pulled down the brim of his hat, and put on a fake beard. He tiptoed back up the stairs, sneaked along the wall, spun around and jumped on the scale and quickly placed another dollar in the slot. Out came a card that read:
"You are 5 feet 10 inches tall, you weigh 160 pounds, and while you were screwing around down in the men's room, you missed the bus to Pasadena."
An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The bodyheat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her handswarmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend, and he said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The daughter replied, "Put them between my legs, they'll warmup."
The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold."
The daughter replied, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up."He did, and his nose warmed up.
The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis.
The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?"
The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they defrost!"
Q- Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
A- Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic-anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Anyman that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was the object in the prince's pants?
They were M&M's of course.They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. (What were you thinking?)
The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared. It said
"Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
After monday blues
"Every time we make love, my boyfriend keeps telling me to tell him when I'm having an orgasm - which is difficult, 'cause usually when I'm having one, he's not there."- Margo Black
"It's very awkward being a single guy with all the diseases around. You know it's to the point where I won't go to bed with awoman unless she says, "All right, I'll go to bed with you""- Gary Shandling
The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prison they let you play softball on theweekends."- Bobby Kelton
"According to a new study from Italy, some women are actually able to hear with their breasts. Of course this is great forItalian men, because they talk with their hands."- Jay Leno
"I'm terrified of being trapped in a folding bed.I'm a claustro-pedic"- Carolyn May
A lady is on holiday in Turkey when she stumbles upon an exotic rug shop. Upon entering she find it has some of the finest rugs she has ever seen, particularly a large center piece which hangs on the main wall. The lady loves it and promptly goes over to inspect further. After admiring it's workmanship she decides to test the quality and bends down to feel the corner, as she doesthis she accidentaly lets slip a very loud fart!Embarassed by her mishap she quickly looks round to make sure there is no-one about. Just at that moment a Turkish salesman appears from behind one of the stands...."Can I help you m'am?" he asks the rather startled woman."Oh yes sir you can," she replies, hoping there is no odor, "I just love this rug," she exclaims, "it's the best I have everseen, can you tell me how much it is?"The salesman pauses, and rubs his chin... "Well madam, this isthe finest rug in the land, hand crafted by the country's top rugweavers, and let me tell you this, if you farted by merely touching it, you're going to shit yourself when you hear the price
During an international gynecology conference, an English doctor and a French doctor were discussing unusual cases they hadtreated recently."Only last week" the Frenchman said "a woman came to see me witha clitoris like a melon!""Don't be absurd" the Brit exclaimed. "It couldn't have been that big. My God, man, she wouldn't have been able to walk if it were.""Ahh, you English, always thinking about size" replied theFrenchman. "I was talking about the flavor!"
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about thematter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Someasshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the wayyou got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like peoplewho think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Montreal, Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Montreal," the manager asked.
The boy said, "Well sir, there's nothing but whores and hockeyplayers up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Montreal!"
The boy replied, "No kidding???? What position did she play?"
Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I said, well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low anddespondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said,"Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better;someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office. Do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes, she came out... ... carrying a big birthdaycake, followed by my wife and children. All were singing HappyBirthday.
... and there on the couch I sat... ... with nothing on but my socks...
...and *that's* why I fired my secretary.
The old farmer was having a very bad year. All of his crops had been lost.
Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town.
Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door.
A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"
Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale".
The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said,"Are those peaches full and firm like these?"
Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."
So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"
The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."
She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"
The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevils ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."
How to keep an idiot occupied all day. (Scroll Down)......
.........How to keep an idiot occupied all day? (Scroll Up)
A Jewish family is considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Jewish facilities are completely full so they have to put him in a Catholic home. After a few weeks in the Catholic facility they come to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,"says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrongplace for you."
"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't playedthe violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!
And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still call him'Doctor'!
And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me'the Fucking Jew'."
A foursome was waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of ladies were hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies were taking their time and when finally the last one was ready to hit the ball she hacked it about 10 feet, went over to it, hacked it another ten feet.
She looked up at the men waiting and said apologetically,
"I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn'thelp"
One of the men immediately replied,
"No, you see there's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."
This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding,at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.
To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything,he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him.So, taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two ofthem and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.
After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "Fuck you," he turned to the bride and said, "Fuck you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.
While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge?
Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests at the wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and, best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents,nieces and nephews, etc.
This guy has balls the size of church bells. This is his world;we just live in it.
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted b ya young woman with three small children running around at he rfeet.
He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken aback.
He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact,we know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, would you tell me in what manner you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband puts it on the bedroom door knob and it keeps the kids out."
"It's very awkward being a single guy with all the diseases around. You know it's to the point where I won't go to bed with awoman unless she says, "All right, I'll go to bed with you""- Gary Shandling
The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prison they let you play softball on theweekends."- Bobby Kelton
"According to a new study from Italy, some women are actually able to hear with their breasts. Of course this is great forItalian men, because they talk with their hands."- Jay Leno
"I'm terrified of being trapped in a folding bed.I'm a claustro-pedic"- Carolyn May
A lady is on holiday in Turkey when she stumbles upon an exotic rug shop. Upon entering she find it has some of the finest rugs she has ever seen, particularly a large center piece which hangs on the main wall. The lady loves it and promptly goes over to inspect further. After admiring it's workmanship she decides to test the quality and bends down to feel the corner, as she doesthis she accidentaly lets slip a very loud fart!Embarassed by her mishap she quickly looks round to make sure there is no-one about. Just at that moment a Turkish salesman appears from behind one of the stands...."Can I help you m'am?" he asks the rather startled woman."Oh yes sir you can," she replies, hoping there is no odor, "I just love this rug," she exclaims, "it's the best I have everseen, can you tell me how much it is?"The salesman pauses, and rubs his chin... "Well madam, this isthe finest rug in the land, hand crafted by the country's top rugweavers, and let me tell you this, if you farted by merely touching it, you're going to shit yourself when you hear the price
During an international gynecology conference, an English doctor and a French doctor were discussing unusual cases they hadtreated recently."Only last week" the Frenchman said "a woman came to see me witha clitoris like a melon!""Don't be absurd" the Brit exclaimed. "It couldn't have been that big. My God, man, she wouldn't have been able to walk if it were.""Ahh, you English, always thinking about size" replied theFrenchman. "I was talking about the flavor!"
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about thematter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Someasshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the wayyou got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like peoplewho think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Montreal, Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Montreal," the manager asked.
The boy said, "Well sir, there's nothing but whores and hockeyplayers up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Montreal!"
The boy replied, "No kidding???? What position did she play?"
Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I said, well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low anddespondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said,"Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better;someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office. Do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes, she came out... ... carrying a big birthdaycake, followed by my wife and children. All were singing HappyBirthday.
... and there on the couch I sat... ... with nothing on but my socks...
...and *that's* why I fired my secretary.
The old farmer was having a very bad year. All of his crops had been lost.
Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town.
Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door.
A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"
Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale".
The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said,"Are those peaches full and firm like these?"
Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."
So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"
The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."
She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"
The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevils ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."
How to keep an idiot occupied all day. (Scroll Down)......
.........How to keep an idiot occupied all day? (Scroll Up)
A Jewish family is considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Jewish facilities are completely full so they have to put him in a Catholic home. After a few weeks in the Catholic facility they come to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,"says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrongplace for you."
"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't playedthe violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!
And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still call him'Doctor'!
And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me'the Fucking Jew'."
A foursome was waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of ladies were hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies were taking their time and when finally the last one was ready to hit the ball she hacked it about 10 feet, went over to it, hacked it another ten feet.
She looked up at the men waiting and said apologetically,
"I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn'thelp"
One of the men immediately replied,
"No, you see there's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."
This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding,at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.
To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything,he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him.So, taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two ofthem and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.
After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "Fuck you," he turned to the bride and said, "Fuck you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.
While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge?
Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests at the wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and, best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents,nieces and nephews, etc.
This guy has balls the size of church bells. This is his world;we just live in it.
A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted b ya young woman with three small children running around at he rfeet.
He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken aback.
He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact,we know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, would you tell me in what manner you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband puts it on the bedroom door knob and it keeps the kids out."
Monday, October 12, 2009
Wanna see a smile on everybody's face
"The first time we ever made love I said 'Am I the first man that ever made love to you?' She said, 'You could be. You look damn familiar.'"- Ronnie Bullard
Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:
Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Finesuit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car, a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for a dinner. Marvelous dinner. Lobstereven. Den ve go see a show... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Sadie: "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress."
A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. Shewas very receptive to his foreplay after they parked, and as the petting increased he put his hand in her panties.
She seemed to be enjoying his progress, but suddenly cried,
"Ouch! Your ring is hurting me!""Ummm..." he said a bit uncomfortably, "that's my Timex."
"Single people throw the best parties. They don't have to worry about their furniture getting messed up. Their friends can destroy everything they own. They're out 15 bucks."- Jeff Foxworthy
Visiting the zoo one day, a lady noticed one of the kangaroos had a huge set of balls. She couldn't believe the size of these hummers, and when the 'roo ventured close to the bars of the enclosure, she reached thru the bars and gave his 'nads a squeeze.
The animal, startled, jumped clear over the fence and bounded away down the path.
A keeper saw the critter fading out of sight, and running up tothe woman, said "What did you do to that kangaroo?"
"I just gave his nuts a tweak to see if they were real!" shewailed.
"Well," said the keeper, dropping his pants, "you'd better tweakmine, 'cause I have to catch that sucker"!
One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin."How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks.
Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you,Honey."
"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues.
"Yes, Sweetheart, he did."
"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads,too?"
"Yes, Honey, all of them, too."
The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"
I was listening to some rap music this afternoon. Not that I had a choice - it was coming from a Jeep four miles away.- Nick DePaulo
Chris returns home from vacation with a severe case of sunburn,so he goes to see his doctor. After the examination the doctor prescribes chamomile lotion and Viagra.
Looking a little confused Chris says, "I can understand you prescribing the chamomile lotion, but why the Viagra?"
The doctor says, "The Viagra is to keep the sheets off you at night."
A man goes to the confessional and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The Priest asks.
"Well," the man starts, "I used the 'F'-word today and I feel so terrible."
"Why don't you tell me what happened. What made you use such awful language?" asked the Priest.
"Well, I was out golfing and I hit this incredible drive thatlooked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but the ball hit a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going about 100 yards."
"I'm a golfer myself my son" said the Priest "I understand whatyou were feeling. So this is when you swore?"
"No Father," said the man,
"You see, after that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"And this is when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"No not yet. Just as the squirrel was running away, this eagle came down out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"And it was then that you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet," replied the man, "Just as the eagle was flying away with the squirrel he flew towards a wooded area next to thegreen. And as he passed over it, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear then, my son?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced throughsome bushes, careened off a big rock, and then rolled through asand trap and on to the green and stopped dead six inches from the hole!" told the man.
The priest sighed,"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you!!
On fire drills: In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in single-file from the smallest to tallest.What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"- Warren Hutcherson
EXCERCISES TO PREPARE YOU FOR YOUR HOSPITAL EXPERIENCE
1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to probe youwith his applicator.
2. Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-Coat CoverageInterior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff his slinkydown your throat.
3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your front yard and lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuckup your nose.
4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your smile and repeating: "mild discomfort."
5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wristwith a Craftsman (squarehead) screwdriver and stab yourself witha knitting needle.
6. Remove all actual food from the house.
7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat tree and onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall.
8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
To which the blonde replies: "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, says to the younggirl. "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual."If you need anything, just let me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on theblonde. He looks out over his office and sees her hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking,
"What's the problem...are you gonna be ok??"
"No...." exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister.She told me that HER mom died too!!"
"In high school I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun.That may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy."- Rita Rudner
Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
The first guy says,
"I can remember the first day of First Grade!"
The second guy says,
"I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"
Not to be outdone, the third guy says,
"Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother!"
An Irishman goes for a job on a building site.
The foreman says, "Can you brew tea?"
The Irishman says, "Yes."
"Good. Can you drive a fork lift?"
The Irishman looks at him and says,
"Just how bloody big is the teapot?"
Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:
Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Finesuit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car, a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for a dinner. Marvelous dinner. Lobstereven. Den ve go see a show... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Sadie: "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress."
A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. Shewas very receptive to his foreplay after they parked, and as the petting increased he put his hand in her panties.
She seemed to be enjoying his progress, but suddenly cried,
"Ouch! Your ring is hurting me!""Ummm..." he said a bit uncomfortably, "that's my Timex."
"Single people throw the best parties. They don't have to worry about their furniture getting messed up. Their friends can destroy everything they own. They're out 15 bucks."- Jeff Foxworthy
Visiting the zoo one day, a lady noticed one of the kangaroos had a huge set of balls. She couldn't believe the size of these hummers, and when the 'roo ventured close to the bars of the enclosure, she reached thru the bars and gave his 'nads a squeeze.
The animal, startled, jumped clear over the fence and bounded away down the path.
A keeper saw the critter fading out of sight, and running up tothe woman, said "What did you do to that kangaroo?"
"I just gave his nuts a tweak to see if they were real!" shewailed.
"Well," said the keeper, dropping his pants, "you'd better tweakmine, 'cause I have to catch that sucker"!
One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin."How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks.
Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you,Honey."
"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues.
"Yes, Sweetheart, he did."
"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads,too?"
"Yes, Honey, all of them, too."
The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"
I was listening to some rap music this afternoon. Not that I had a choice - it was coming from a Jeep four miles away.- Nick DePaulo
Chris returns home from vacation with a severe case of sunburn,so he goes to see his doctor. After the examination the doctor prescribes chamomile lotion and Viagra.
Looking a little confused Chris says, "I can understand you prescribing the chamomile lotion, but why the Viagra?"
The doctor says, "The Viagra is to keep the sheets off you at night."
A man goes to the confessional and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The Priest asks.
"Well," the man starts, "I used the 'F'-word today and I feel so terrible."
"Why don't you tell me what happened. What made you use such awful language?" asked the Priest.
"Well, I was out golfing and I hit this incredible drive thatlooked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but the ball hit a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going about 100 yards."
"I'm a golfer myself my son" said the Priest "I understand whatyou were feeling. So this is when you swore?"
"No Father," said the man,
"You see, after that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"And this is when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"No not yet. Just as the squirrel was running away, this eagle came down out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"And it was then that you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet," replied the man, "Just as the eagle was flying away with the squirrel he flew towards a wooded area next to thegreen. And as he passed over it, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear then, my son?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced throughsome bushes, careened off a big rock, and then rolled through asand trap and on to the green and stopped dead six inches from the hole!" told the man.
The priest sighed,"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you!!
On fire drills: In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in single-file from the smallest to tallest.What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"- Warren Hutcherson
EXCERCISES TO PREPARE YOU FOR YOUR HOSPITAL EXPERIENCE
1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to probe youwith his applicator.
2. Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-Coat CoverageInterior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff his slinkydown your throat.
3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your front yard and lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuckup your nose.
4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your smile and repeating: "mild discomfort."
5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wristwith a Craftsman (squarehead) screwdriver and stab yourself witha knitting needle.
6. Remove all actual food from the house.
7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat tree and onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall.
8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
To which the blonde replies: "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, says to the younggirl. "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual."If you need anything, just let me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on theblonde. He looks out over his office and sees her hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking,
"What's the problem...are you gonna be ok??"
"No...." exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister.She told me that HER mom died too!!"
"In high school I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun.That may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy."- Rita Rudner
Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
The first guy says,
"I can remember the first day of First Grade!"
The second guy says,
"I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"
Not to be outdone, the third guy says,
"Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother!"
An Irishman goes for a job on a building site.
The foreman says, "Can you brew tea?"
The Irishman says, "Yes."
"Good. Can you drive a fork lift?"
The Irishman looks at him and says,
"Just how bloody big is the teapot?"
Sunday, October 11, 2009
"Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do, don't need to be done."- Andy Rooney
After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats, a husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight.
He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, whitecard. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and an absolutely great lover in bed!"
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
Crazy Mike walks into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,"Look, I've got three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, so what have you got to keep me horny andpotent all night?"
The pharmacist reaches down, unlocks a bottom drawer and brings up a box labeled 'Viagra Extra Strength' containing single wrapped packets. He says, "Take one of these and you'll go crazyfor 12 hours."
Crazy Mike replies, "Hell, gimme three"
The next day Mike returns to the same pharmacist, who smiles and asks,
"Well, how'd it go?"
In answer, Mike pulls down his pants, to display his penis that's black and blue and blistered, one of the sorriest sights thepharmacist had ever seen.
Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a tube of Ben Gay."
The pharmacist replies in horror. "You're not going to put BenGay on that are you?"
Mike replies, "Hell, no, it's for my arm. The girls didn't showup."
"'Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't ea tpork.' I'm sorry, what was that last one? 'Don't eat pork. God has spoken.'Is that the word of God or is that just pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"- Jon Stewart
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository......it's up to you!"
Joe, a notoriously bad golfer, hits his ball off the first teeand watches as it slices to the right and disappears through an open window. Figuring that's the end of it, he gets another ballout of his bag and plays on.
On the eighth hole, a police officer walks up to Joe on the course and says, "Did you hit a golf ball through a window back there?"
Joe says, "Yes I did."
"Well," says the police officer, "it knocked a lamp over, scaring the dog, which raced out of the house onto the highway. A driver rammed into a brick wall to avoid the dog, sending three people to hospital. And it's all because you sliced the ball."
"Oh my goodness," says Joe, "is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is," the cop says.
"Try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit."
"I grew up a Catholic. To me, going to church was always really boring. I never liked it. But I went to a Catholic grammar school. You know what the nuns would tell me? "You know Jim, the mass is a celebration. What does that tell you young man?" It tells me that the Catholics don't know how to throw a frigging party."- Jimmy Dore
The Dublin police were given orders to clean up the neighborhood.
That night a drunk staggered towards a constable and said:
"Excuse me offisher, what time is it?"
The cop replied, "It's one o'clock," and bonked him on the head with his baton.
"Jeez," said Paddy. "I'm glad I didn't ask you an hour ago!"
A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?
"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.
As she is sitting on grandpa's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"
"A sound like a frog? Well, I guess Grandpa can make a sound likea frog."
The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please, please MAKE a sound like a frog?"
Perplexed, her grandpa says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"
And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're all going to Disney world!"
"When I was a kid a "crack salesman" just meant a guy was really good at what he did."- Bobby Slayton
Doctor's stories :
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife is going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.Suddenly, I noticed that there are several cabs and I was in thewrong one.
************
At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall."Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," the patient said sadly.
************
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
*************
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuitytest. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large Eon the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked. He was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
***************
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having troublewith one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see; the man had over fifty patches on his body. Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. And you always wondered why instructions always seemed to state the obvious!
**************
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,"How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive.
**************
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's yourbreakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
****************
A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes," he answered. She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes," he answered. "Can you get it over the counter?"she asked. "I can if I take two," he answered.
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest thinks a while and says,
"That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do six cartwheels on your way to the altar."
"I don't care about anything. Like yesterday, Jimmy cracked corn.I don't care."- Howie Mandel
Attention Children - The Bathroom Door is Closed!
· Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions.
· Wait until I get out.
· Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, and I am not trapped.
· I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy migh toccur while I was in there, but it's been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.
· Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.
· Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.
· Do not go running back to the phone yelling "She's in the BATHROOM!"
· Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.
· Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two.
· Do not slide pennies, LEGOs, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.
· If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walkaway, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.
· And yes, I still love you.
Signed Mom
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom,dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" theprofessor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely,responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats, a husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight.
He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, whitecard. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and an absolutely great lover in bed!"
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
Crazy Mike walks into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,"Look, I've got three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, so what have you got to keep me horny andpotent all night?"
The pharmacist reaches down, unlocks a bottom drawer and brings up a box labeled 'Viagra Extra Strength' containing single wrapped packets. He says, "Take one of these and you'll go crazyfor 12 hours."
Crazy Mike replies, "Hell, gimme three"
The next day Mike returns to the same pharmacist, who smiles and asks,
"Well, how'd it go?"
In answer, Mike pulls down his pants, to display his penis that's black and blue and blistered, one of the sorriest sights thepharmacist had ever seen.
Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a tube of Ben Gay."
The pharmacist replies in horror. "You're not going to put BenGay on that are you?"
Mike replies, "Hell, no, it's for my arm. The girls didn't showup."
"'Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't ea tpork.' I'm sorry, what was that last one? 'Don't eat pork. God has spoken.'Is that the word of God or is that just pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"- Jon Stewart
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository......it's up to you!"
Joe, a notoriously bad golfer, hits his ball off the first teeand watches as it slices to the right and disappears through an open window. Figuring that's the end of it, he gets another ballout of his bag and plays on.
On the eighth hole, a police officer walks up to Joe on the course and says, "Did you hit a golf ball through a window back there?"
Joe says, "Yes I did."
"Well," says the police officer, "it knocked a lamp over, scaring the dog, which raced out of the house onto the highway. A driver rammed into a brick wall to avoid the dog, sending three people to hospital. And it's all because you sliced the ball."
"Oh my goodness," says Joe, "is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is," the cop says.
"Try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit."
"I grew up a Catholic. To me, going to church was always really boring. I never liked it. But I went to a Catholic grammar school. You know what the nuns would tell me? "You know Jim, the mass is a celebration. What does that tell you young man?" It tells me that the Catholics don't know how to throw a frigging party."- Jimmy Dore
The Dublin police were given orders to clean up the neighborhood.
That night a drunk staggered towards a constable and said:
"Excuse me offisher, what time is it?"
The cop replied, "It's one o'clock," and bonked him on the head with his baton.
"Jeez," said Paddy. "I'm glad I didn't ask you an hour ago!"
A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?
"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.
As she is sitting on grandpa's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"
"A sound like a frog? Well, I guess Grandpa can make a sound likea frog."
The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please, please MAKE a sound like a frog?"
Perplexed, her grandpa says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"
And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're all going to Disney world!"
"When I was a kid a "crack salesman" just meant a guy was really good at what he did."- Bobby Slayton
Doctor's stories :
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife is going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.Suddenly, I noticed that there are several cabs and I was in thewrong one.
************
At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall."Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," the patient said sadly.
************
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
*************
I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuitytest. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large Eon the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked. He was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
***************
During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having troublewith one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see; the man had over fifty patches on his body. Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. And you always wondered why instructions always seemed to state the obvious!
**************
While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,"How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive.
**************
I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's yourbreakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
****************
A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes," he answered. She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes," he answered. "Can you get it over the counter?"she asked. "I can if I take two," he answered.
The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest thinks a while and says,
"That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do six cartwheels on your way to the altar."
"I don't care about anything. Like yesterday, Jimmy cracked corn.I don't care."- Howie Mandel
Attention Children - The Bathroom Door is Closed!
· Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions.
· Wait until I get out.
· Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, and I am not trapped.
· I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy migh toccur while I was in there, but it's been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.
· Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.
· Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.
· Do not go running back to the phone yelling "She's in the BATHROOM!"
· Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.
· Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two.
· Do not slide pennies, LEGOs, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.
· If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walkaway, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.
· And yes, I still love you.
Signed Mom
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom,dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" theprofessor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely,responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
Laughter=one way of beating reccesion
"I think we should all treat each other like Christians. I,however, will not be responsible for the consequences."- George Carlin
One of my favorite Emo Philips jokes...
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop!Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
He said, "Baptist!"
I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or BaptistChurch of the Lord?"
He said, "Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or areyou Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God,reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God,reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session.
The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.
The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dancetogether?"
"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women danceseparately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"No."
"Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?"
"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"How about doggie-style?"
"Of course!"
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO!" says the rabbi....
"Why Not???" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing!"
"Relationships don't last any more. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is, 'Is this the man I want my children tospend every other weekend with?'"-Rita Rudner
A circus owner walked into a bar to find everyone crowded about atable watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down potand a duck tap dancing on it.
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duckfrom its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for$10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger,"Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a wholeaudience and he didn't dance a single step!"
"That's strange" said the duck's former owner, "did you rememberto light the candle under the pot?"
Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, uglybruises on his shins, so he asked,
"Do you play hockey?"
"No"
"Do you play soccer?"
"No"
"Do you play any other physical sport?"
"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."
"I learned something the other day. I learned that Jehovah'sWitnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like strangers going up to their door and annoying them."- Bruce Clark
Every year at the state fair, a guy entered the lottery for thebrand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend he wasn't going to bother to enter.
"What kind of attitude is that?" his friend asked. He leanedcloser and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."
Strolling around the fair, the guy grew more and more despondentas the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration,no sign from God.
Finally, as he was passing old Mrs. Smith's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. All of a sudden, afinger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven oneach cheek.
Thanking God, he rushed to the raffle booth and played the number77.
A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, helost.
The winning number was 707.
A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
"Buffet" is a French term. It means, "Get up and get it yourself"- Greg Ray
A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her patients of their stutters. She came to a therapy session in a revealing outfit and offered a blow job to anyone who could pronounce the name of the city in which they were born without stuttering.
The first man stood up and said, "B-B-B-B-B-B- Boston."
Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down.
The next guy stood and said, "Ca-Ca-Ca-Ca-Ca-Ca-Cleveland."
He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down.
The third guy stood and without hesitation said, "Miami."
The student fell to her knees and began performing oral sex on the man. After finishing, she looked up and said, "What do you have to say now?"
He replied, "...B-B-B-B-B-Beach."
Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party,they both staggered outside.
One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance.
When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.
"Where ya been?" he slurred.
"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"
I'd like to have kids. I get those maternal feelings. Like when I'm laying on the couch and I can't reach the remote control.- Kathleen Madigan
Harry and his wife were driving in the country when he saw a sign that said, "Cow For Sale...$5,000"
He pulled in and said to the farmer, "There's no cow in the worldworth five thousand dollars."
The farmer said, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this!"
He lifted the cow's tail, and Harry saw that the cow had a snatch just like a woman.
Harry got back in the car, turned to his wife, and began to cry,"It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman and it's worth $5,000. And here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you ain't worth shit!"
"Mr. Chilton," the analyst said, "I think this will be your lastvisit."
"Does that mean I'm cured?" he asked.
"For all practical purposes, yes," she said. "I think we cansafely say that your kleptomania is now under control. Youhaven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know wherethe kleptomania came from."
"Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell yousomething. Although our relationship is strictly professional,it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could dosomething to repay you for helping me."
"You've paid my fee," the doctor said. "That's the onlyresponsibility you have."
"I know," Chilton said. "But isn't there some personal favor Icould do for you?"
"Well," the doctor said, "I'll tell you what. If you ever suffera relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television."
One of my favorite Emo Philips jokes...
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop!Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
He said, "Baptist!"
I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or BaptistChurch of the Lord?"
He said, "Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or areyou Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God,reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God,reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.
A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session.
The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.
The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dancetogether?"
"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women danceseparately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"No."
"Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?"
"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"How about doggie-style?"
"Of course!"
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO!" says the rabbi....
"Why Not???" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing!"
"Relationships don't last any more. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is, 'Is this the man I want my children tospend every other weekend with?'"-Rita Rudner
A circus owner walked into a bar to find everyone crowded about atable watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down potand a duck tap dancing on it.
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duckfrom its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for$10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger,"Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a wholeaudience and he didn't dance a single step!"
"That's strange" said the duck's former owner, "did you rememberto light the candle under the pot?"
Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, uglybruises on his shins, so he asked,
"Do you play hockey?"
"No"
"Do you play soccer?"
"No"
"Do you play any other physical sport?"
"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."
"I learned something the other day. I learned that Jehovah'sWitnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like strangers going up to their door and annoying them."- Bruce Clark
Every year at the state fair, a guy entered the lottery for thebrand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend he wasn't going to bother to enter.
"What kind of attitude is that?" his friend asked. He leanedcloser and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."
Strolling around the fair, the guy grew more and more despondentas the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration,no sign from God.
Finally, as he was passing old Mrs. Smith's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. All of a sudden, afinger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven oneach cheek.
Thanking God, he rushed to the raffle booth and played the number77.
A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, helost.
The winning number was 707.
A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
"Buffet" is a French term. It means, "Get up and get it yourself"- Greg Ray
A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her patients of their stutters. She came to a therapy session in a revealing outfit and offered a blow job to anyone who could pronounce the name of the city in which they were born without stuttering.
The first man stood up and said, "B-B-B-B-B-B- Boston."
Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down.
The next guy stood and said, "Ca-Ca-Ca-Ca-Ca-Ca-Cleveland."
He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down.
The third guy stood and without hesitation said, "Miami."
The student fell to her knees and began performing oral sex on the man. After finishing, she looked up and said, "What do you have to say now?"
He replied, "...B-B-B-B-B-Beach."
Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party,they both staggered outside.
One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance.
When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.
"Where ya been?" he slurred.
"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"
I'd like to have kids. I get those maternal feelings. Like when I'm laying on the couch and I can't reach the remote control.- Kathleen Madigan
Harry and his wife were driving in the country when he saw a sign that said, "Cow For Sale...$5,000"
He pulled in and said to the farmer, "There's no cow in the worldworth five thousand dollars."
The farmer said, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this!"
He lifted the cow's tail, and Harry saw that the cow had a snatch just like a woman.
Harry got back in the car, turned to his wife, and began to cry,"It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman and it's worth $5,000. And here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you ain't worth shit!"
"Mr. Chilton," the analyst said, "I think this will be your lastvisit."
"Does that mean I'm cured?" he asked.
"For all practical purposes, yes," she said. "I think we cansafely say that your kleptomania is now under control. Youhaven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know wherethe kleptomania came from."
"Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell yousomething. Although our relationship is strictly professional,it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could dosomething to repay you for helping me."
"You've paid my fee," the doctor said. "That's the onlyresponsibility you have."
"I know," Chilton said. "But isn't there some personal favor Icould do for you?"
"Well," the doctor said, "I'll tell you what. If you ever suffera relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television."
"Among those hit by the Internet terrorists this week was the auction site ebay, which shut down for six hours on Tuesday,resulting in a sales loss of an estimated 6 million dollars worth of useless crap"- Colin Quinn
The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the GreatWizard."WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage.""No problem" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.. Well.. Well.. I need a brain.""Done," says the Wizard."Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart.""I've heard it's true," says the Wizard."Consider it done."Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?""Is Dorothy around?"
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I can't button me pants.""Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit ofyelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?""Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, *Mr* MacDonald walked in."
"Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to takeadvantage of the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way thatyou can seriously injure yourself."- Dave Barry
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America,we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hotdogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: "What part did you get?
"I can never fool my wife," George complained."I turn off the car's engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. She always wakes up and screams at me for being out so late."
"You got the wrong technique, my friend," his friend replied."I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on her butt and say, 'How about a little?'
She always pretends to be asleep."
"Life is something you do when you can't get to sleep."- Fran Lebowitz
· Martha's way #1:Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
· My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
· Martha's way #2:Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hotgriddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
· My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plasticbag.
· Martha's way #3:To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with thepotatoes.
· My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it inthe pantry for up to a year.
· Martha's way #4:To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
· My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to takethe shells off anyway?
· Martha's way #5:To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
· My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress andbox springs.
· Martha's way #6:To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan,and bring to a boil on stovetop.
· My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.
· Martha's way #7:Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
· My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be anyleftovers.
· Martha's way #8:When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bitof the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess onthe outside of the cake.
· My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it foryou.
· Martha's way #9:If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking,drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for aninstant "fix me up"
· My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking,that's too darn bad. My motto: I made it and you will eat it andI don't care how bad it tastes.
· Martha's way #10:Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator andit will keep for weeks.
· My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
· Martha's way #11:Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yielda beautiful glossy finish.
· My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do notinclude brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.
· Martha's way #12:Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
· My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?
· Martha's way #13:When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bringout the corn's natural sweetness.
· My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
· Martha's way #14:To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan ofcool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises tothe surface, throw it away.
· My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel badlater, you will know it wasn't fresh.
· Martha's way #15:Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it onyour forehead. The throbbing will go away.
· My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works isbecause you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't theheadache anymore, it is because you are now blind.
· Martha's way #16:Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes forfuture use in casseroles and sauces.
· My way: Leftover wine?
· Martha's way #17:If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
· My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
· Martha's way #18:Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
· My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.
· Martha's way #19:Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets,wait twentyminutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent actionclean vitreous china.* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vaseor cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass ofwater and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop infour Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer,if necessary).
· My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in thetoilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunchof problems at once.
One day, a little old lady walked into a sex shop. The young clerk couldn't help but notice her, first, because she reminded him of his dear old grandmother, and second because she was twitching violently and trembling, even more than his grandmotherdid.
"Young m-m-m-man?" she stammered to the clerk, "Do you sell v- v-vibrators here?"
"Yes ma'am, we do," he replied, a little embarrassed.
"B-b-b-big fl-fl-fluorescent oh-oh-orange ones?" asked the oldlady.
"Yes ma'am, we have some like that."
"The t-t-type about s-s-s-sixteen inches l-l-l-l-long?"
"Yes ma'am, we've got just about any size you'd want," said theyoung clerk.
"The k-k-kind that t-t-t-t-takes eight D-D-D Cell b-b-b-b-batteries?"
"Yes ma'am we carry some like that."
"Well, c-could you t-t-t-tell me how the h-h-hell you turn itoff?"
"I know what cheese is and I know what whiz is, so why do I ea tCheese Whiz?"- Kerry Talmages
Two Southern Belles were sittin' on the porch one hot afternoon.The first had just returned from a trip to New York. She said tothe second Belle,
"You know, up there in New York, they've got men who kiss men onthe lips."
"Oh dear me!" cried the second Belle. "What do they call those men?" she questioned.
The first replied, "They call them homosexuals. And did you know,up there they've got women who kiss women on the private parts?"
"Oh Heavens!" The second gasped. "What on Earth do they call those women?"
"Why, they call them lesbians. Up there, they also have men who kiss women on their private parts."
The second belle nearly fell from her chair. "Oh Lawdy! What dothey call those men?"
The first Belle answered, "Well, after I caught my breath, I called him precious!"
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing forsix days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointeddownwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I'vemade."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I'veplaced a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people."
God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will beextremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a largeland mass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth.There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and anexquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to bemodest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard workingand high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them superhuman, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,"What about balance, God? You said there would be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely,
"Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."
We all enter the world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thingdoesn't have to stop right there.- Dana Gould
The pretty young lady was having a tooth pulled. The dentist gave her the usual "This won't hurt a bit" routine before bending overher with a drill in his hand.
He immediately drew back in complete alarm. "Miss," he said in abarely audible whisper, "You have hold of my testicles!"
"Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt eachother, are we?
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.
"Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!"
I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to theinterruption. Again the announcement,
"Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men'stee."
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more,the man yelled:
"Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee,PLEASE!
I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the microphone and shouted back,
"Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?"
"Doctor, I have an ear ache."2000 B.C.- "Here, eat this root."1000 B.C.- "That root is heathen, say this prayer."1850 A.D.- "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."1940 A.D.- "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."1985 A.D.- "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."2000 A.D.- "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school forlunch. At the beginning of the line there was a large pile ofapples. A nun had written a note,
"Take only one, God is watching."
At the end of the line there was a large stack of chocolate chipcookies. A boy wrote a note and left it on the cookies that said,
"Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows alittle. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that partout." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked awaysatisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom havemoved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks theyoung man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as youboth shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice,"Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor handed back the $100 bill and whispered . ..
"She made me a much better offer."
"Hitler had only one testicle. It's true. You use facts like that to make class more interesting. But that's the only thing kids remember from that class. So you have a history test and the question is, "The Causes of World War II" and the kid writes,'Hitler had only one nut.'"- Steve Binder
MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,a woman is a bundle of contradiction.
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose.
She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk.
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
MOODS OF A MAN
Horny
A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addictionto cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.
"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it,and stick it completely up your ass. Then remove it, rewrap it,and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as youcan't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won'tdare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later hecame back and saw the doctor again.
"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to beeffective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours!"
"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer myaddiction," said the patient.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass."
On small town life: "My father is mayor of the town right now.It's a small town so eventually everyone gets to be mayor. Theyelected the mayor by radio last year. My dad was the fifthcaller"- Jake Johansen
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him aquestion. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driversaid,
"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylightsout of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for thelast 25 years!"
The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.
It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for helpyesterday.
On hemorrhoids: "The examination is humiliating. You go in bentover on a table, your pants around your ankles, and an old manhas a finger up your ass. It's a lot like summer camp."- Jon Stewart
TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR SON HAS GROWN TOO OLD FOR BREAST FEEDING
10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.
1. Beard abrasions on areola.
A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tapon his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read
"I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"
The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that:No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not givehim such a right.
He then teed up his ball, and with a mighty swing of his pitchingwedge lobbed the ball right on the green for a par 3. Just as hewas about to putt the ball into the hole he was hit on the headwith a golf ball, laying him out cold.
When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw thedeaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the otherhand holding up 4 fingers.
The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the GreatWizard."WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage.""No problem" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.. Well.. Well.. I need a brain.""Done," says the Wizard."Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart.""I've heard it's true," says the Wizard."Consider it done."Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?""Is Dorothy around?"
Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I can't button me pants.""Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit ofyelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?""Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, *Mr* MacDonald walked in."
"Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to takeadvantage of the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way thatyou can seriously injure yourself."- Dave Barry
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America,we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hotdogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: "What part did you get?
"I can never fool my wife," George complained."I turn off the car's engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. She always wakes up and screams at me for being out so late."
"You got the wrong technique, my friend," his friend replied."I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on her butt and say, 'How about a little?'
She always pretends to be asleep."
"Life is something you do when you can't get to sleep."- Fran Lebowitz
· Martha's way #1:Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
· My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
· Martha's way #2:Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hotgriddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
· My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plasticbag.
· Martha's way #3:To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with thepotatoes.
· My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it inthe pantry for up to a year.
· Martha's way #4:To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
· My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to takethe shells off anyway?
· Martha's way #5:To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
· My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress andbox springs.
· Martha's way #6:To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan,and bring to a boil on stovetop.
· My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.
· Martha's way #7:Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
· My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be anyleftovers.
· Martha's way #8:When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bitof the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess onthe outside of the cake.
· My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it foryou.
· Martha's way #9:If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking,drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for aninstant "fix me up"
· My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking,that's too darn bad. My motto: I made it and you will eat it andI don't care how bad it tastes.
· Martha's way #10:Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator andit will keep for weeks.
· My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
· Martha's way #11:Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yielda beautiful glossy finish.
· My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do notinclude brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.
· Martha's way #12:Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
· My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?
· Martha's way #13:When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bringout the corn's natural sweetness.
· My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
· Martha's way #14:To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan ofcool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises tothe surface, throw it away.
· My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel badlater, you will know it wasn't fresh.
· Martha's way #15:Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it onyour forehead. The throbbing will go away.
· My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works isbecause you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't theheadache anymore, it is because you are now blind.
· Martha's way #16:Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes forfuture use in casseroles and sauces.
· My way: Leftover wine?
· Martha's way #17:If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
· My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
· Martha's way #18:Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
· My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.
· Martha's way #19:Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets,wait twentyminutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent actionclean vitreous china.* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vaseor cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass ofwater and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop infour Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer,if necessary).
· My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in thetoilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunchof problems at once.
One day, a little old lady walked into a sex shop. The young clerk couldn't help but notice her, first, because she reminded him of his dear old grandmother, and second because she was twitching violently and trembling, even more than his grandmotherdid.
"Young m-m-m-man?" she stammered to the clerk, "Do you sell v- v-vibrators here?"
"Yes ma'am, we do," he replied, a little embarrassed.
"B-b-b-big fl-fl-fluorescent oh-oh-orange ones?" asked the oldlady.
"Yes ma'am, we have some like that."
"The t-t-type about s-s-s-sixteen inches l-l-l-l-long?"
"Yes ma'am, we've got just about any size you'd want," said theyoung clerk.
"The k-k-kind that t-t-t-t-takes eight D-D-D Cell b-b-b-b-batteries?"
"Yes ma'am we carry some like that."
"Well, c-could you t-t-t-tell me how the h-h-hell you turn itoff?"
"I know what cheese is and I know what whiz is, so why do I ea tCheese Whiz?"- Kerry Talmages
Two Southern Belles were sittin' on the porch one hot afternoon.The first had just returned from a trip to New York. She said tothe second Belle,
"You know, up there in New York, they've got men who kiss men onthe lips."
"Oh dear me!" cried the second Belle. "What do they call those men?" she questioned.
The first replied, "They call them homosexuals. And did you know,up there they've got women who kiss women on the private parts?"
"Oh Heavens!" The second gasped. "What on Earth do they call those women?"
"Why, they call them lesbians. Up there, they also have men who kiss women on their private parts."
The second belle nearly fell from her chair. "Oh Lawdy! What dothey call those men?"
The first Belle answered, "Well, after I caught my breath, I called him precious!"
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing forsix days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointeddownwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I'vemade."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I'veplaced a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people."
God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will beextremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a largeland mass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth.There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and anexquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to bemodest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard workingand high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them superhuman, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,"What about balance, God? You said there would be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely,
"Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."
We all enter the world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thingdoesn't have to stop right there.- Dana Gould
The pretty young lady was having a tooth pulled. The dentist gave her the usual "This won't hurt a bit" routine before bending overher with a drill in his hand.
He immediately drew back in complete alarm. "Miss," he said in abarely audible whisper, "You have hold of my testicles!"
"Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt eachother, are we?
It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.
"Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!"
I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to theinterruption. Again the announcement,
"Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men'stee."
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more,the man yelled:
"Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee,PLEASE!
I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the microphone and shouted back,
"Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?"
"Doctor, I have an ear ache."2000 B.C.- "Here, eat this root."1000 B.C.- "That root is heathen, say this prayer."1850 A.D.- "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."1940 A.D.- "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."1985 A.D.- "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."2000 A.D.- "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school forlunch. At the beginning of the line there was a large pile ofapples. A nun had written a note,
"Take only one, God is watching."
At the end of the line there was a large stack of chocolate chipcookies. A boy wrote a note and left it on the cookies that said,
"Take all you want, God is watching the apples."
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows alittle. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that partout." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked awaysatisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom havemoved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks theyoung man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as youboth shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice,"Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor handed back the $100 bill and whispered . ..
"She made me a much better offer."
"Hitler had only one testicle. It's true. You use facts like that to make class more interesting. But that's the only thing kids remember from that class. So you have a history test and the question is, "The Causes of World War II" and the kid writes,'Hitler had only one nut.'"- Steve Binder
MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,a woman is a bundle of contradiction.
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose.
She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk.
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
MOODS OF A MAN
Horny
A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addictionto cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.
"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it,and stick it completely up your ass. Then remove it, rewrap it,and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as youcan't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won'tdare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later hecame back and saw the doctor again.
"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to beeffective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours!"
"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer myaddiction," said the patient.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass."
On small town life: "My father is mayor of the town right now.It's a small town so eventually everyone gets to be mayor. Theyelected the mayor by radio last year. My dad was the fifthcaller"- Jake Johansen
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him aquestion. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driversaid,
"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylightsout of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for thelast 25 years!"
The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.
It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for helpyesterday.
On hemorrhoids: "The examination is humiliating. You go in bentover on a table, your pants around your ankles, and an old manhas a finger up your ass. It's a lot like summer camp."- Jon Stewart
TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR SON HAS GROWN TOO OLD FOR BREAST FEEDING
10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.
1. Beard abrasions on areola.
A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tapon his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read
"I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"
The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that:No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not givehim such a right.
He then teed up his ball, and with a mighty swing of his pitchingwedge lobbed the ball right on the green for a par 3. Just as hewas about to putt the ball into the hole he was hit on the headwith a golf ball, laying him out cold.
When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw thedeaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the otherhand holding up 4 fingers.
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