"Among those hit by the Internet terrorists this week was the auction site ebay, which shut down for six hours on Tuesday,resulting in a sales loss of an estimated 6 million dollars worth of useless crap"- Colin Quinn

The last four U.S. Presidents are caught in a tornado, and off they spin to OZ. After threatening trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the GreatWizard."WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for some courage.""No problem" says the Wizard, "WHO IS NEXT?"Ronald Reagan steps forward, "Well.. Well.. Well.. I need a brain.""Done," says the Wizard."Who comes next before the Great Wizard?"Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart.""I've heard it's true," says the Wizard."Consider it done."Then there is a great silence. Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but doesn't say a word.Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, "WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?""Is Dorothy around?"

Angus Broon of Glasgow comes to the little lady of the house exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come off of me fly? I can't button me pants.""Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit ofyelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "My god, what happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?""Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off the wee thread, *Mr* MacDonald walked in."

"Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to takeadvantage of the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way thatyou can seriously injure yourself."- Dave Barry

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America,we might as well do as the Americans do."
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.
"Two dogs, please," says one.
The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hotdogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously: "What part did you get?


"I can never fool my wife," George complained."I turn off the car's engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. She always wakes up and screams at me for being out so late."
"You got the wrong technique, my friend," his friend replied."I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on her butt and say, 'How about a little?'
She always pretends to be asleep."


"Life is something you do when you can't get to sleep."- Fran Lebowitz



· Martha's way #1:Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
· My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.
· Martha's way #2:Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hotgriddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
· My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plasticbag.
· Martha's way #3:To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with thepotatoes.
· My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it inthe pantry for up to a year.
· Martha's way #4:To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.
· My way: Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to takethe shells off anyway?
· Martha's way #5:To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
· My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress andbox springs.
· Martha's way #6:To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan,and bring to a boil on stovetop.
· My way: Eat at Chili's every night and avoid cooking.
· Martha's way #7:Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be any stains.
· My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there won't be anyleftovers.
· Martha's way #8:When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bitof the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess onthe outside of the cake.
· My way: Go to the bakery. They'll even decorate it foryou.
· Martha's way #9:If you accidentally over salt a dish while it's still cooking,drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for aninstant "fix me up"
· My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking,that's too darn bad. My motto: I made it and you will eat it andI don't care how bad it tastes.
· Martha's way #10:Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator andit will keep for weeks.
· My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.
· Martha's way #11:Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yielda beautiful glossy finish.
· My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do notinclude brushing egg whites over the crust and so I don't do it.
· Martha's way #12:Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.
· My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be "soft"?
· Martha's way #13:When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bringout the corn's natural sweetness.
· My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.
· Martha's way #14:To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan ofcool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises tothe surface, throw it away.
· My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel badlater, you will know it wasn't fresh.
· Martha's way #15:Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it onyour forehead. The throbbing will go away.
· My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works isbecause you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isn't theheadache anymore, it is because you are now blind.
· Martha's way #16:Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes forfuture use in casseroles and sauces.
· My way: Leftover wine?
· Martha's way #17:If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
· My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.
· Martha's way #18:Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
· My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.
· Martha's way #19:Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets,wait twentyminutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent actionclean vitreous china.* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vaseor cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass ofwater and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop infour Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer,if necessary).
· My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in thetoilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunchof problems at once.




One day, a little old lady walked into a sex shop. The young clerk couldn't help but notice her, first, because she reminded him of his dear old grandmother, and second because she was twitching violently and trembling, even more than his grandmotherdid.
"Young m-m-m-man?" she stammered to the clerk, "Do you sell v- v-vibrators here?"
"Yes ma'am, we do," he replied, a little embarrassed.
"B-b-b-big fl-fl-fluorescent oh-oh-orange ones?" asked the oldlady.
"Yes ma'am, we have some like that."
"The t-t-type about s-s-s-sixteen inches l-l-l-l-long?"
"Yes ma'am, we've got just about any size you'd want," said theyoung clerk.
"The k-k-kind that t-t-t-t-takes eight D-D-D Cell b-b-b-b-batteries?"
"Yes ma'am we carry some like that."
"Well, c-could you t-t-t-tell me how the h-h-hell you turn itoff?"



"I know what cheese is and I know what whiz is, so why do I ea tCheese Whiz?"- Kerry Talmages



Two Southern Belles were sittin' on the porch one hot afternoon.The first had just returned from a trip to New York. She said tothe second Belle,
"You know, up there in New York, they've got men who kiss men onthe lips."
"Oh dear me!" cried the second Belle. "What do they call those men?" she questioned.
The first replied, "They call them homosexuals. And did you know,up there they've got women who kiss women on the private parts?"
"Oh Heavens!" The second gasped. "What on Earth do they call those women?"
"Why, they call them lesbians. Up there, they also have men who kiss women on their private parts."
The second belle nearly fell from her chair. "Oh Lawdy! What dothey call those men?"
The first Belle answered, "Well, after I caught my breath, I called him precious!"



Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing forsix days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointeddownwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I'vemade."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I'veplaced a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people."
God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will beextremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a largeland mass in the top corner and asked, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Canada, the most glorious place on Earth.There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and anexquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to bemodest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard workingand high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I'm also going to give them superhuman, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,"What about balance, God? You said there would be BALANCE!"
God replied wisely,
"Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting next to them."



We all enter the world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thingdoesn't have to stop right there.- Dana Gould




The pretty young lady was having a tooth pulled. The dentist gave her the usual "This won't hurt a bit" routine before bending overher with a drill in his hand.
He immediately drew back in complete alarm. "Miss," he said in abarely audible whisper, "You have hold of my testicles!"
"Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt eachother, are we?



It was a sunny Saturday morning on the course and I was pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot, when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker.
"Would the gentleman on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee please!!"
I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to theinterruption. Again the announcement,
"Would the MAN on the WOMEN'S tee kindly back up to the men'stee."
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more,the man yelled:
"Would the man on the woman's tee back up to the men's tee,PLEASE!
I finally stopped, turned, looked through the clubhouse window directly at the person with the microphone and shouted back,
"Would the person in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot?"


"Doctor, I have an ear ache."2000 B.C.- "Here, eat this root."1000 B.C.- "That root is heathen, say this prayer."1850 A.D.- "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."1940 A.D.- "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."1985 A.D.- "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."2000 A.D.- "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"



Children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school forlunch. At the beginning of the line there was a large pile ofapples. A nun had written a note,
"Take only one, God is watching."
At the end of the line there was a large stack of chocolate chipcookies. A boy wrote a note and left it on the cookies that said,
"Take all you want, God is watching the apples."



During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows alittle. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that partout." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked awaysatisfied.
It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom havemoved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged.When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks theyoung man in the eye and says:
"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as youboth shall live?"
The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice,"Yes."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."
The pastor handed back the $100 bill and whispered . ..
"She made me a much better offer."




"Hitler had only one testicle. It's true. You use facts like that to make class more interesting. But that's the only thing kids remember from that class. So you have a history test and the question is, "The Causes of World War II" and the kid writes,'Hitler had only one nut.'"- Steve Binder




MOODS OF A WOMAN
An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,a woman is a bundle of contradiction.
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,but will tackle her boyfriend alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,she'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose.
She'll win you in range, enchant you in silk,she'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk.
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,she'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad.
MOODS OF A MAN
Horny








A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addictionto cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.
"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it,and stick it completely up your ass. Then remove it, rewrap it,and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as youcan't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious: you won'tdare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."
"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later hecame back and saw the doctor again.
"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to beeffective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours!"
"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer myaddiction," said the patient.
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my ass."




On small town life: "My father is mayor of the town right now.It's a small town so eventually everyone gets to be mayor. Theyelected the mayor by radio last year. My dad was the fifthcaller"- Jake Johansen




A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him aquestion. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driversaid,
"Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylightsout of me!"
The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving a hearse for thelast 25 years!"



The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay.
It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for helpyesterday.



On hemorrhoids: "The examination is humiliating. You go in bentover on a table, your pants around your ankles, and an old manhas a finger up your ass. It's a lot like summer camp."- Jon Stewart




TOP 10 SIGNS THAT YOUR SON HAS GROWN TOO OLD FOR BREAST FEEDING
10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.
1. Beard abrasions on areola.


A man was about to tee off on the golf course when he felt a tapon his shoulder and a man handed him a card that read
"I am a deaf mute. May I play through, please?"
The first man angrily gave the card back, and communicated that:No, he may NOT play through, and that his handicap did not givehim such a right.
He then teed up his ball, and with a mighty swing of his pitchingwedge lobbed the ball right on the green for a par 3. Just as hewas about to putt the ball into the hole he was hit on the headwith a golf ball, laying him out cold.
When he came to a few minutes later, he looked around and saw thedeaf mute sternly looking at him, one hand on his hip, the otherhand holding up 4 fingers.