wednesday special

"It's weird; I have a parent who's a shrink. It's hard to thinkof my mom solving other people's problems when she's the root of all mine."- Carol Leifer

"The bus scares me. Way too many gross people on the bus. Sixty-five people on the bus and I was the last one on. I felt like calling Unsolved Mysteries. 'Yeah, I found everybody'"- Kathleen Madigan

Two cannibals were eating a clown when one of them looks at theother and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?" -Godknows Who




The Penis Poem
My nookie days are over,My pilot light is out,What used to be my sex appeal,Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,From my trousers it would spring,But now I've got a full-time job,To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing,The way it would behave,For every single morning,It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,It sure gives me the blues,To see it hang its little head,And watch me tie my shoes!

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, wanna play house?"
He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"
The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings."
"Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means."
The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."

Two newfies are sightseeing in Toronto. They decide to call it a day and go for a drink.
They enter this flashy looking bar with a mirrored wall along one side and flashing lights everywhere. They sit themselves at the bar and one newf looks up in the direction of the mirrored wall and says to his friend.
"Hey Bob, it looks like there are a couple of down home boys just like us sitting at the other end of this bar."
"Well then John," said the other, "go and over and offer them a drink."
As John leaves to offer the drink, Bob shouts out.
"Hey John, sit down again. I think they're going to buy us one."




"How was your golf game, dear?" asked Jack's wife.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so badI couldn't see where the ball went."
"But you're seventy-five years old, Jack!" admonished his wife,"Why don't you take my brother Scott along?"
"But he's eighty-five and doesn't even play golf anymore,"protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball," Tracy pointed out.
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, andthe ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.
"Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
"I forget."



A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn while the wife preferred to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. The wife decided to take the boat out. She was not familiar with the lake so she rowed out, anchored the boat, and started reading her book. Along comes the sheriff in his boat, pulls up alongside and says,
"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replies.
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her.
"But, Officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"But you have all this equipment, Ma'am. I'll have to take you inand write you up."
"If you do that I will charge you with rape," snaps the irate woman.
"I didn't even touch you," grouses the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true ... but you have all the equipment ..."

A father told his son, Little Johnny, now aged 10, that it was time he talked to him about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" little Johnny said, bursting into tears.
Confused, the father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
"Oh Dad," Johnny sobbed, "At age 6 I got the 'There's no Santa'speech. At age 7 I got the 'There's no Easter bunny' speech.Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy'speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really screw, I've got nothing left to live for!"

Q. What's the Australian kiss?
A. The same thing as a French kiss, only down under!



An guy was waiting in the down-town L. A. bus station for the bus to Pasadena. He spotted a machine with a sign that read:
YOUR HEIGHT, YOUR WEIGHT, YOUR FORTUNE $1.00
He stepped on the scale and dropped a dollar bill in the slot.Out came a card that said:
"You are 5 feet 10 inches tall. You weigh 160 pounds, and you are waiting for the bus to Pasadena."
The guy thought, "How did that machine know that? Well, I'll fool it."
He went downstairs to the men's room, rolled up his coat collar,pulled down the brim of his hat, and put on a fake beard. He tiptoed back up the stairs, sneaked along the wall, spun around and jumped on the scale and quickly placed another dollar in the slot. Out came a card that read:
"You are 5 feet 10 inches tall, you weigh 160 pounds, and while you were screwing around down in the men's room, you missed the bus to Pasadena."

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold, blustery January day. The daughter said to the mother, "My hands are freezing cold."
The mother replied, "Put your hands between your legs. The bodyheat will warm them up." So the daughter did, and her handswarmed up.
The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend, and he said, "My hands are freezing cold."
The daughter replied, "Put them between my legs, they'll warmup."
The next day, the boyfriend was again driving in the buggy with the daughter. He said, "My nose is freezing cold."
The daughter replied, "Put it between my legs. It will warm up."He did, and his nose warmed up.
The next day, the boyfriend was once again driving with the daughter and he said, "My penis is frozen solid."
The next day, the daughter is driving in the buggy with her mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a penis.
The slightly concerned mother says, "Sure, why do you ask?"
The daughter says, "Well, they make one hell of a mess when they defrost!"


Q- Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning?
A- Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic-anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king,
"If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Anyman that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.
Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there."
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!
The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was the object in the prince's pants?




They were M&M's of course.They melt in your mouth, not in your hand. (What were you thinking?)






The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.
They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose - how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book appeared. It said
"Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock."