Laugh at everything including yourself

"According to a new book, they asked 50 women what they would doif they had a male sex organ for one day. Most of them said,'Probably get a salary increase.'"- Jay Leno

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could nolonger remember his lines.
Finally after many years he finds a theater where they areprepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it hasonly one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb, sniff therose deeply and then say the line, 'Ah, the sweet aroma of mymistress.'"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he'spracticing his line over and over again. Finally the time came.
The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and withgreat passion delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of mymistress."
The theater erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter andthe director was steaming!
"You fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened? Did I forget my line?"he asked.
"No, you idiot!" the director screamed, "You forgot the rose!"


A man went to the doctor, who told him that he had a bad illnessand only a year to live.
So he decided to talk to his pastor. After the man explained hissituation, he asked his Pastor if there was anything he could do.
"What you should do is go out and buy an old Dodge Pickup," saidthe Pastor. "Then go get married to the ugliest woman you canfind, and buy yourselves an old trailer house in the panhandle ofOklahoma."
"Will this help me live longer?"
"No," said the pastor, "but it will make what time you do haveseem like forever."


"The atheists have produced a Christmas play. It's called'Coincidence on 34th Street."- Jay Leno


A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window.
A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulkingguy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately fallsasleep.
The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraidto wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. Heknows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sittingthere, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wavea nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in anylonger and pukes all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, andsees the vomit all over him.
"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"



Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for anumber of years when he came home one day to confess to his wifethat he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick hispenis into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talkabout it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. Hevowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. Hiswife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urgeto put my penis into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh . . . she got fired too."


A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and afive iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctorasks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man, "I was having a quietround of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into apasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rootingaround, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rearend. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, therewas my wife's golf ball - stuck right in the middle of the cow'sbutt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this lookslike yours!'"


A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tiredafter a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. Asthe clerk fills out the paperwork, the man notices a gorgeouswoman sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while hedisappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with thegirl on his arm.
Lying to the hotel clerk, he says, "Fancy meeting my 'wife' here.I'll need a double room for the night."
The next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds theamount to be over $3,000.
"What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've onlybeen here for one night!"
"Yes," sniffs the clerk, "but your 'wife' has been here for three weeks!"


That's a tough name, Brooke Shields. It sounds like a feminineprotection product. Ladies, having a heavy flow day? Try newBrooke Shields... with wings.- Rosie O'Donnell



A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin wasplaced in front of a huge mock up of a heart, made up of flowers.When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and aftereveryone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffinrolled inside, and the heart closed.
Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
"What's so funny about that?"
"I'm a gynecologist.


Two lawyers had been life long friends: they were partners andshared everything, including their hot-blooded secretary.
One day the secretary announced she was pregnant. They told hernot to worry and assured her that they would pay all medicalcosts and would act as co-fathers when the child was born andprovide all expenses thereafter.
The day of delivery arrived. Both the lawyers were at thehospital pacing the floor in the waiting room. Finally one ofthem said, "I can't take this, I'm going down to sit in my carand wait there. Please come down and tell me as soon as the childis born!"
The partner agreed to do that. About an hour later the partnerapproached the car with a very grave look on his face.
"What happened?" asked the waiting car occupant.
The other partner announced, "They were twins and mine died!"



A man and his wife are having sex. Fifteen minutes has passed,thirty minutes, then 45 minutes. Sweat is pouring off both ofthem. After a few more moments, the wife comments..."Can't you think of anyone either?"


Mac died at the controls of his plane and went to pilots' hell,where he found a hideous devil and three doors.
The devil was busy escorting other pilots to various "hellrooms."
"I'll be right back, don't go away," said the devil, and hevanished.
Sneaking over to the first door, Mac peeked in and saw a cockpitwhere the pilot was condemned to forever run through pre-flightchecks.
He slammed that door and peeked into the second. There, alarmsrang and red lights flashed while a pilot had to avoid oneemergency after another. Unable to imagine a worse fate, Maccautiously opened the third door.
He was amazed to see many beautiful, scantily clad flightattendants answering to a captain's every whim. He quicklyreturned to his place seconds before the devil reappeared.
"Okay, Mac," said the devil, "Which door will it be, number 1 ornumber 2?"
"Um, I want door number 3," answered Mac.
"Sorry," said the devil. "You can't have door number 3. That'sflight attendants' hell."


The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake neara tiny hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides to givethe local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.
"That's okay with me, honey," says her husband. "I'll go get somewood for the fire." About thirty minutes later, the husbandreturns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of herbreasts has been painted green, the other red and her bottom isblue. "What on earth happened to you dear?" he asks.
"Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me theydon't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave methis paint job!"
"Those troublemakers! I'll fix them!" the husband shouts. Herides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar.
"Who is the jerk who painted my wife red, green and blue!" heshouts.
A huge man steps forward, about 6' 8", 300lbs of solid musclewith a shotgun in his hands. "I did it," he bellows. "What yougot to say about it?"
The husband answers meekly, "I just wanted you to know the firstcoat of paint is dry."


"In a new sex survey they found that 8 percent of people had sexfour or more times a week. Now here's the interesting part. Thatnumber drops to 2 percent when you add the phrase, 'With apartner'"- David Letterman


Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic.
So Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, andsandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, sothe turtles take 10 whole days to get there. By the time they doarrive, everyone's exhausted.
Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes outthe sodas and says, "Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.""I didn't bring the bottle opener," Steve says. "I thought youpacked it."Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond."Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?"Naturally, Raymond doesn't have it, so the turtles are stuck tenmiles away from home without soda.
Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve it, butRaymond flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything bythe time he gets back.
After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond togo, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won'ttouch the food. So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow andsteadily.
Twenty days pass, but no Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry andpuzzled, but a promise is a promise.
Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is apromise. After three more days pass without Raymond in sight,
Steve starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hintof dementia in his voice. "NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised."
Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skippedout to the diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly liftthe lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat.
But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind arock, and says, "I knew it!, I'm not fucking going now!"



Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the lastinstruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get evena drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide tolock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint inthe nude.
In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
"Who is it?" calls one of the nuns.
"Blind man." replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug and, deciding that noharm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they openthe door.
"Nice boobs," says the man, "Where do you want these blinds?"


"My boyfriend works for a driving school. One of the great perksis you get to take the car out on the weekends. I'm telling you,that's one great party car. You can be doing lines of coke,smoking joints, be drunk out of your head, swerving all over theroad. No one ever says anything. Even the cops say, 'Get a loadof the student driver.'"- Joan Keiter


An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that inreturn for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord willreward him with his choice of infinite wealth, infinite wisdom,or infinite beauty.
Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
"Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and abolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by afaint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers,
"Say something."
The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money."


A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, theygrew apprehensive. Each had an embarrassing problem they hadnever before shared with anyone, not even each other.
The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his fatherfor advice.
"Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of mymarriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you know, I haveextremely smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will berevolted by them."
"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet asoften as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."
Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.
The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problemup her mom.
"Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath istruly awful."
"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in themorning."
"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so disgustinglybad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in thesame room with me."
Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straightout of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. Thekey is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not aword," her mother affirmed.
Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.
The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony.Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with hisperpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managedquite well. That is, until about six months later.
Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find thatone of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, hefrantically searches the bed. This, of course, woke his brideand without thinking, she immediately turns to face him and asks,
"What on earth are you doing?"
"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've eaten one of my socks!"

"My dad got his degree in embalming... When we were little andwe'd be getting dressed to go to church on Sundays, Dad wouldhave to lay me down on the table to tie my tie."- Killer Beaz

Signs For The Stupid.By Bill Engvall
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'mStupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? Youwouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops,never mind. I didn't see your sign."
It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxesand there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comesover and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff uponce or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's yoursign."
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, wepulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringerof bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch allthem fish?" "Nope - Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."
I was watching one of those animal shows on the DiscoveryChannel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there'sonly one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suiton, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool ofsharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well,all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of thoseside-of-the- road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks atmy truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" Icouldn't resist. said, "Nope. I was driving around and thoseother three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came overto the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. Weget back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down andgrabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? Ifhe'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure.Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truckgot stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. Iradioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to takethe report. He went through his basic questioning, ok... noproblem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign... untilhe asked, "So... is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! Ilooked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him andsaid "no I'm delivering' a bridge... here's your sign."



Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to aconference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy ticketsand watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" askedone of the three lawyers.
"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seatsbut all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the doorbehind them. Shortly after the train as departed, the conductorcomes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom doorand says, "Ticket, please."
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with aticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. Soafter the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers onthe return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station, the lawyers buy a single ticket forthe return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy aticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks oneperplexed lawyer.
"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.
When they board the train the three engineers cram into arestroom and the three lawyers cram into another one nearby. Thetrain departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves hisrestroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers arehiding. He knocks on the door and says,
"Ticket, please."


"My family is half Irish and half Swedish. They're allalcoholics, but we're real quiet about it."- Brett Buttler


For three years, the young attorney had been taking his briefvacations at this country inn. The previous year he'd finallymanaged an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcaseup the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his loverwith an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gottenmarried, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, wesat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would bebetter to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.


Andy came to work one day, limping something awful. One of hisco-workers, Josh, noticed and asked Andy what happened.
Andy replied, "Oh, nothing. It's just an old hockey injury thatacts up once in a while."
Josh, "Gee, I never knew you played hockey."
Andy, "No I don't. I hurt it last year when I lost $100 on theStanley Cup play-offs. I put my foot through the television..."

"I was in a bar the other night hopping from barstool tobarstool, trying to get lucky . . . there wasn't any gum underany of them."- Emo Philips


Viagra Ad Slogans
The Top Ten ad slogans under consideration for Viagra:
10. Viagra, It's "Whaazzzzz Up!"
9. Viagra, The quicker-pecker-upper!
8. Viagra: Like a rock!!!
7. Viagra: When it absolutely, positively HAS to be theretonight.
6. Viagra: Be all that you can be.
5. Viagra: Reach out and TOUCH someone.
4. Viagra: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman!
3. Viagra: Tastes great!......... More filling!
2. Viagra: We bring good things to LIFE!
And the number ONE ad slogan being considered by Viagra:
1. This is your penis......... This is your penis on drugs.Any questions?



One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowingin despair he has his first meeting with a demon...
Demon: Why so glum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun downhere... You a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's allwe do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers,... wedrink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finestcigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! If youget cancer no biggie --you're already dead, remember?
Guy: Wow...that's.... awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps,Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you goBankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.
Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to agreat big bowl of crack. Or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of asubmarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose .. . that's right you're dead - who cares!
Guy: Wow! I never realized Hell was such a swinging' place!
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No.....
Demon: Ooooh, then you're gonna hate Fridays.