tuesjokes -don't backspace characters on a pc

"Film critic Rex Reed was arrested at a New York City TowerRecords this week for allegedly shoplifting three CDs. Legal experts believe that if Reed does go to prison, he could get thirty-three-hundred thumbs up."- Colin Quinn

Someone left the zebra's cage open in the middle of the night and he escaped and ran away to a local farm.
Early the next morning, he approached an old hen, saying,
"What do you do around here?"
The hen replied, "I lay eggs for the farmer's breakfast."
The zebra walked over to the cow, asking, "What do you do?"
The cow replied, "I give milk for the farmer's breakfast."
The zebra then spied an enormous bull and asked the same question.
The bull looked at the zebra with a quizzical smile and said,"Take off those faggy pajamas and I'll show you what I do around here."

Saint Peter is watching the gates of Heaven, but he really has togo the bathroom. He asks Jesus to watch the gates for a few minutes, and Jesus agrees
As Jesus is standing there, he sees an old man leading a donkey up from Earth to Heaven. He notices the old man has carpenter'stools with him. When the old man gets to the gates, Jesus asks him to describe his life and explain why he feels he should be admitted into heaven.
The man explains, "In English, my name would be Joseph, but I didn't live in America or England. I lived a modest life, making things out of wood. I'm not remembered very well by most people,but almost everyone has heard of my son. I call him my son, but I was more of a Dad to him, he didn't really come into this world in the usual way.
I sent my son out to be among the people of the World. He was ridiculed by many, and was even known to associate himself with some pretty unsavory characters, although he himself tried to be honest and perfect. My single biggest reason for trying to get into Heaven is to be reunited with my son."
Jesus is awe-struck by the man's story. He looks into the old man's eyes and asks, "Father?"
The old man's face brightens; he looks at Jesus, and asks,"Pinocchio?"


"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not the color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end"- Jerry Seinfeld

"How come you're late?" the bartender asks the blonde waitress as she walks in the door.
"It was awful," she explains. "I was walking down Elm street and there was this terrible accident. A man was lying in the middle of the street; he was thrown from his car. His leg was broken,his skull was fractured, and there was blood everywhere. ThankGod I took that first-aid course; all my training came back to me in a minute."
"What did you do?" asks the bartender.
"I sat down and put my head between my knees to keep from fainting!"


In a nearly empty London pub on a filthy winter's day, there were several patrons quietly drinking when in comes your stereotypical American visitor, obviously unimpressed by the country, its weather and everything else about it.
He says loudly: "What a lousy country. The bars are shut half the time, it's cold, wet and windy, the beer tastes like piss and is served at the same temperature, the streets are packed and you can't even get a cab."
Several people quietly leave.
He looks at a gentleman quietly sipping a pink gin and says: "Heylimey, how can you bear to live in such a miserable place?"
He is ignored, more people leave.
After some more of this only the gentleman with the pink gin, the barman and the American are left in the pub.
He says: "Hey, limey: I'm talking to you. I've been to damn nea revery country in the world and this is the lousiest. I dunno how you can bear to live here. This country is just the asshole of the world."
The gentleman with the pink gin pauses, takes another sip and,turning, delicately enquires of the American:
"Oh, yes. Just passing through, are you?"


Q: What's the difference between snot and cauliflower?
A: Kids will eat snot



Things That Can Drive A Sane Person Insane:
· The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper that never works.
· There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of thetray.
· You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic tag in the middle of them.
· The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
· The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
· There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
· You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
· There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING!
· You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
· Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
· You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
· You slice your tongue licking an envelope.
· Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
· A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near theradio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
· You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
· The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
· A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling.
· You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7 PM instead of 7am.
You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob toget out.
· Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
· You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
· You have to inform five different sales people in the samestore that you're just browsing.


A man was feeling very depressed. He walked into a bar and ordered a triple scotch whiskey. As the bartender poured him the drink he remarked, "That's quite a heavy drink. What's wrong?"
After quickly downing his drink, the man replied, "I got home and found my wife having sex with my best friend."
"Wow" exclaimed the bartender, as he poured the man a second triple scotch.
"No wonder you needed a stiff drink. The second triple is on thehouse."
As the man downed his second triple scotch, the bartender asked him "What did you do?"
"I walked over to my wife," the man replied, "looked her straightin the eye and told her that we were through and to pack her stuff and to get the hell out."
"That makes sense," said the bartender, "but what about your friend?"
The man replied, "I walked over to him, looked him right in the eye and said, 'BAD DOG! BAAAD DOG!'"


A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?"
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"
The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes,smiles, and then slurs,
"Not anymore!... He is!"

QUESTION:"Where do the characters go when I use my backspace or delete them on my PC?"
ANSWER:The characters go to different places, depending on whom you ask:
The Catholic Church's approach to characters: The nice characters go to Heaven, where they are bathed in the light of happiness.The naughty characters are punished for their sins. Naughty characters are those involved in the creation of naughty words,such as "breast", "sex", and "contraception".
Some Protestant sects believe that the characters' destinations are predestined; and that it's therefore not worth worrying about--- they'll go where they're supposed to go, according to the unknowable plans of the OEM.
The Buddhist explanation: If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher character. Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard will become numbers, numbers will become letters, and lower case letters will become upper case.
The 20th-century bitter cynical nihilist explanation: Who cares?It doesn't really matter if they're on the page, deleted,undeleted, underlined, etc. It's all the same.
The Mac user's explanation: All the characters written on a PCand then deleted go to straight to PC hell. If you're using a PC,you can probably see the deleted characters, because you're in PC hell also.
Stephen King's explanation: Every time you hit the (Del) key you unleash a tiny monster inside the cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks their blood, then eats them, bones and all. Hah, hah, hah!
IBM's explanation: The characters are not real. They exist only on the screen when they are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to de-conceptualize them. Get a life.
PETA's (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) explanation:You've been DELETING them??? Can't you hear them SCREAMING??? Why don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!