Wanna see a smile on everybody's face

"The first time we ever made love I said 'Am I the first man that ever made love to you?' She said, 'You could be. You look damn familiar.'"- Ronnie Bullard

Sadie and Yetta, two widows, are talking:
Sadie: "That nice Morris Finkleman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Yetta: "Vell.... I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. An like such a mench he is dressed. Finesuit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car, a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for a dinner. Marvelous dinner. Lobstereven. Den ve go see a show... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much I could just die from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!"
Sadie: "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"
Yetta: "No... I'm just saying that if you go, wear an old dress."


A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. Shewas very receptive to his foreplay after they parked, and as the petting increased he put his hand in her panties.
She seemed to be enjoying his progress, but suddenly cried,
"Ouch! Your ring is hurting me!""Ummm..." he said a bit uncomfortably, "that's my Timex."

"Single people throw the best parties. They don't have to worry about their furniture getting messed up. Their friends can destroy everything they own. They're out 15 bucks."- Jeff Foxworthy

Visiting the zoo one day, a lady noticed one of the kangaroos had a huge set of balls. She couldn't believe the size of these hummers, and when the 'roo ventured close to the bars of the enclosure, she reached thru the bars and gave his 'nads a squeeze.
The animal, startled, jumped clear over the fence and bounded away down the path.
A keeper saw the critter fading out of sight, and running up tothe woman, said "What did you do to that kangaroo?"
"I just gave his nuts a tweak to see if they were real!" shewailed.
"Well," said the keeper, dropping his pants, "you'd better tweakmine, 'cause I have to catch that sucker"!

One day a sweet little girl becomes puzzled about her origin."How did I get here, Mommy?" she asks.
Her mother replies, using a well-worn phrase, "Why God sent you,Honey."
"And did God send you too, Mommy?" she continues.
"Yes, Sweetheart, he did."
"And Daddy, and Grandma and Grandpa, and their moms and dads,too?"
"Yes, Honey, all of them, too."
The child shakes her head in disbelief. "Then you're telling me there's been no sex in this family for over 200 years? No wonder everyone is so grouchy!"

I was listening to some rap music this afternoon. Not that I had a choice - it was coming from a Jeep four miles away.- Nick DePaulo

Chris returns home from vacation with a severe case of sunburn,so he goes to see his doctor. After the examination the doctor prescribes chamomile lotion and Viagra.
Looking a little confused Chris says, "I can understand you prescribing the chamomile lotion, but why the Viagra?"
The doctor says, "The Viagra is to keep the sheets off you at night."

A man goes to the confessional and says, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."
"What is your sin, my child?" The Priest asks.
"Well," the man starts, "I used the 'F'-word today and I feel so terrible."
"Why don't you tell me what happened. What made you use such awful language?" asked the Priest.
"Well, I was out golfing and I hit this incredible drive thatlooked like it was going to go over 250 yards, but the ball hit a phone line hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going about 100 yards."
"I'm a golfer myself my son" said the Priest "I understand whatyou were feeling. So this is when you swore?"
"No Father," said the man,
"You see, after that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in his mouth and began to run away."
"And this is when you swore?" asked the Father again.
"No not yet. Just as the squirrel was running away, this eagle came down out of the sky and grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"And it was then that you swore?" asked the amazed Priest.
"No, not yet," replied the man, "Just as the eagle was flying away with the squirrel he flew towards a wooded area next to thegreen. And as he passed over it, the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear then, my son?" asked the now impatient Priest.
"No, because as the ball fell it struck a tree, bounced throughsome bushes, careened off a big rock, and then rolled through asand trap and on to the green and stopped dead six inches from the hole!" told the man.
The priest sighed,"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you!!


On fire drills: In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in single-file from the smallest to tallest.What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?"- Warren Hutcherson

EXCERCISES TO PREPARE YOU FOR YOUR HOSPITAL EXPERIENCE
1. Lay nude on the front lawn and ask the weed man to probe youwith his applicator.
2. Drink a quart of Sherwin-Williams Eggshell One-Coat CoverageInterior Flat White #2. Then have your child stuff his slinkydown your throat.
3. Put a real estate agent's 'Open House' sign on your front yard and lie on your bed dressed in a paper napkin with straws stuckup your nose.
4. Put your hand down the garbage disposal while practicing your smile and repeating: "mild discomfort."
5. Set your alarm to go off every ten minutes from ten PM to seven AM, at which times you will alternately puncture your wristwith a Craftsman (squarehead) screwdriver and stab yourself witha knitting needle.
6. Remove all actual food from the house.
7. With several strands of Christmas lights strung from a coat tree and onto yourself, walk slowly up and down the hall.
8. Urinate into an empty lipstick tube

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about all his employees' well being, asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
To which the blonde replies: "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling very sorry at this point, says to the younggirl. "Why don't you go home for the day...we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly states, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual."If you need anything, just let me know."
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on theblonde. He looks out over his office and sees her hysterically crying!! He rushes out to her, asking,
"What's the problem...are you gonna be ok??"
"No...." exclaims the blonde. "I just got a call from my sister.She told me that HER mom died too!!"

"In high school I was voted the girl most likely to become a nun.That may not be impressive to you, but it was quite an accomplishment at the Hebrew Academy."- Rita Rudner

Three guys are debating who has the best memory.
The first guy says,
"I can remember the first day of First Grade!"
The second guy says,
"I can remember my first day at Nursery School!"
Not to be outdone, the third guy says,
"Hell, that's nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother!"


An Irishman goes for a job on a building site.
The foreman says, "Can you brew tea?"
The Irishman says, "Yes."
"Good. Can you drive a fork lift?"
The Irishman looks at him and says,
"Just how bloody big is the teapot?"