After monday blues

"Every time we make love, my boyfriend keeps telling me to tell him when I'm having an orgasm - which is difficult, 'cause usually when I'm having one, he's not there."- Margo Black

"It's very awkward being a single guy with all the diseases around. You know it's to the point where I won't go to bed with awoman unless she says, "All right, I'll go to bed with you""- Gary Shandling

The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prison they let you play softball on theweekends."- Bobby Kelton

"According to a new study from Italy, some women are actually able to hear with their breasts. Of course this is great forItalian men, because they talk with their hands."- Jay Leno

"I'm terrified of being trapped in a folding bed.I'm a claustro-pedic"- Carolyn May


A lady is on holiday in Turkey when she stumbles upon an exotic rug shop. Upon entering she find it has some of the finest rugs she has ever seen, particularly a large center piece which hangs on the main wall. The lady loves it and promptly goes over to inspect further. After admiring it's workmanship she decides to test the quality and bends down to feel the corner, as she doesthis she accidentaly lets slip a very loud fart!Embarassed by her mishap she quickly looks round to make sure there is no-one about. Just at that moment a Turkish salesman appears from behind one of the stands...."Can I help you m'am?" he asks the rather startled woman."Oh yes sir you can," she replies, hoping there is no odor, "I just love this rug," she exclaims, "it's the best I have everseen, can you tell me how much it is?"The salesman pauses, and rubs his chin... "Well madam, this isthe finest rug in the land, hand crafted by the country's top rugweavers, and let me tell you this, if you farted by merely touching it, you're going to shit yourself when you hear the price

During an international gynecology conference, an English doctor and a French doctor were discussing unusual cases they hadtreated recently."Only last week" the Frenchman said "a woman came to see me witha clitoris like a melon!""Don't be absurd" the Brit exclaimed. "It couldn't have been that big. My God, man, she wouldn't have been able to walk if it were.""Ahh, you English, always thinking about size" replied theFrenchman. "I was talking about the flavor!"

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about thematter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Someasshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the wayyou got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like peoplewho think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Montreal, Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Montreal," the manager asked.
The boy said, "Well sir, there's nothing but whores and hockeyplayers up there."
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Montreal!"
The boy replied, "No kidding???? What position did she play?"

Two weeks ago, was my forty-fifth birthday, and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning anyway. I went into breakfast, knowing my wife would be pleasant and say Happy Birthday and probably have a present for me.
She didn't even say Good Morning, let alone any Happy Birthday. I said, well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. The children came into breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low anddespondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said,"Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." And I felt a little better;someone had remembered.
I worked until noon. About noon Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it's such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me."
I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day.Let's go."
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; we went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office. Do we?"
I said, "No, I guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment."
After arriving at her apartment, we had another martini and smoked a cigarette and she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable."
"Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and in about six minutes, she came out... ... carrying a big birthdaycake, followed by my wife and children. All were singing HappyBirthday.
... and there on the couch I sat... ... with nothing on but my socks...
...and *that's* why I fired my secretary.


The old farmer was having a very bad year. All of his crops had been lost.
Fortunately, the peach orchard had done really well. The only way he was going to make it financially was to cut out the middleman and sell the peaches directly to the consumer. So he loaded his pickup with peaches and headed to town.
Just on the outskirts of town he came to a house. So he took a basket of peaches and went up and knocked on the door.
A gorgeous blond in a sheer robe answered the door. In a sexy voice she said, "Hi, Honey, what can I do for you?"
Quite shaken, the old farmer muttered, "I have these here really nice peaches for sale".
The blond, noticing how shaken he was, decided to play a bit. So she opened the top of her robe showing her breasts. She said,"Are those peaches full and firm like these?"
Very shaken, he managed to whisper, "Oh yes, they're really good peaches."
So she opened the rest of her robe, showing she had on no panties. She teased, "Would they be succulent and delicious like this?"
The old farmer mumbled, and then broke down crying, and said, "Oh yes, they're wonderful peaches."
She said, "Well, honey, why on earth are you crying?"
The old farmer whimpered "Lady, the cut worms ruined my tomato crop and the weevils ate all my cotton and now I think you're gonna screw me out of my peaches."

How to keep an idiot occupied all day. (Scroll Down)......












.........How to keep an idiot occupied all day? (Scroll Up)




A Jewish family is considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. All the Jewish facilities are completely full so they have to put him in a Catholic home. After a few weeks in the Catholic facility they come to visit grandpa.
"How do you like it here?" asks the grandson.
"It's wonderful. Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,"says grandpa.
"We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrongplace for you."
"Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here," grandpa says with a big smile.
"There's a musician here -- he's 85 years old. He hasn't playedthe violin in 20 years, and everyone still calls him 'Maestro'!
And there's a physician here -- 90 years old. He hasn't been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still call him'Doctor'!
And me, I haven't had sex for 30 years and they still call me'the Fucking Jew'."

A foursome was waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of ladies were hitting from the ladies tee.
The ladies were taking their time and when finally the last one was ready to hit the ball she hacked it about 10 feet, went over to it, hacked it another ten feet.
She looked up at the men waiting and said apologetically,
"I guess all those fucking lessons I took this winter didn'thelp"
One of the men immediately replied,
"No, you see there's your problem. You should have been taking golf lessons instead."

This was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding,at the reception, the groom got up on stage at the microphone to talk to the crowd. He said that he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and groom's families for coming and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a fabulous reception.
To thank everyone for coming and bringing gifts and everything,he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift from just him.So, taped to the bottom of everyone's chair was a manila envelope, including the wedding party. He said that this was his gift to everyone, and told everyone to open the envelopes.
Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 picture of his best man having sex with the bride. He had gotten suspicious of the two ofthem and hired a private detective to trail them weeks prior to the wedding.
After he stood there and watched the people's reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "Fuck you," he turned to the bride and said, "Fuck you," and then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm out of here." He had the marriage annulled first thing that Monday morning.
While most of us would have broken off the engagement immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with it anyway as if nothing was wrong. His revenge?
Making the bride's parents pay over $32,000 for 300 guests at the wedding and reception, letting everyone know exactly what did happen, and, best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of all of their friends, their entire families, i.e. their parents, brothers, sisters, grandparents,nieces and nephews, etc.
This guy has balls the size of church bells. This is his world;we just live in it.


A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted b ya young woman with three small children running around at he rfeet.
He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"
"We use it for sex."
The researcher was a little taken aback.
He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact,we know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, would you tell me in what manner you use it for sex?"
The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband puts it on the bedroom door knob and it keeps the kids out."