sorry for the long gap. i removed the snap of mine playing with a snake cos everybody started questioning me about what happened to it after the photoshoot and they also forgot to read the jokes . so the best way was to eliminate the distraction.
c b shetty
"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy and he said.'I'm going to mop the floor with your face.' I said, 'You'll be sorry.' He said, 'Oh yeah? Why?' and I said, 'Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.'"- Emo Philips
Handy Tips
· A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
· FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive carphone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and jumping the curb.
· DRILL a one-inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
· SAVE gas by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.
· SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner's hat.
· HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of dishwashing liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping cart and the other in your coat pocket.
· LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12pounds in only 2 days.
· AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
A deaf couple are getting married, and the man decides that they should make sure from the start that they understand important matters, so using sign language he explains to his bride:
"When - I - want - sex - with - you, - I - will - squeeze - your- left - breast - once."
"When - I - do - NOT - want - sex - with - you, - I - will -squeeze - your - right - breast - twice."
"When - you - want - sex - with - me, - you - should - pull - my- penis - once."
"When - you - do - NOT - want - sex - with - me, - you - should -pull - my - penis - fifty - five - times."
"I'm into golf now. I'm getting pretty good. I can almost hit the ball as far as I can throw the clubs."- Bob Ettinger
As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day,the copilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which isa major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction.The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim,
"Wow! It just missed the highway!"
As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, afresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown,gourmet mustard.
The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.
"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," shesaid.
I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.
I love mustard.
I had no napkin.
I licked it off.
It was not mustard.
No man ever put a baby down faster.
It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.
Later my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard'Poupon.'"
"I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house."- Roseanne
A man walked into a pub. The bartender asked if he would like totry the pub's special challenge.
"If you can grab the t-bone steaks from that high ceiling over there I will give you a months supply of beer. However, if you fail you have to give me one-thousand pounds'.
The man thought about this.
He looked at the ceiling.
He looked at the T-bones
He looked at the beer taps
Finally he said, " After thinking about it, I don't think I should risk it"
"Why is that?" asked the bartender.
The man replied "The steaks are too high."
A family took their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and admitted her, hoping she would be well cared for.
The next morning, the nurses bathed her, fed her a tastybreakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking alovely flower garden.
She seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rushed upto catch her and straighten her up.
Again she seemed okay, but after a while she slowly started to tilt over to her other side. The nurses rushed back and once more brought her back upright. This went on all morning.
Later, the family arrived to see how the old woman was adjustingto her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?"
"It's pretty nice," she replied. "Everyone here is so nice and helpful. There's only one problem"
"What is it Ma?"
"They won't let me fart."
"Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat... THAT'S bad for you!"- Tommy
Smothers
A drunk stumbles upon a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says,
"Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher... I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up.
"Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I haven't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says,
"Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone,
"My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher ...
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Debbie?"
Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walks over to the window and just stares out it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says,
"Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it!"
A baby sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers.
Suzie meets up with Sandi as she's picking up her car from the mechanic.
Suzie asks, "Everything ok with your car now?"
"Yes, thank goodness" Sandi replies.
"Weren't you worried the mechanic might try to rip you off?"
"Yeah I was, but he didn't. I was SO relieved when he told me allI needed was blinker fluid."
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents theweek before Christmas. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."
"I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied,
"No, but Grandma is!"
"This week, a mobile van is traveling around the city offering New Yorkers free prostate screenings. Actually, I'm not sure thewhole thing is legit, because the van has shag carpeting."
A compilation of statements from actual grade school papers:
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and the climate ofthe Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had Myths. A Myth is a female moth.
5. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
6. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose ofwedlock. After his death his career suffered a dramatic decline.
7. Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for long.
8. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields ofGaul. The ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made King. Dying, he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus.'
9. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by BernardShaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
10. Another story was William Tell who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his sons head.
11. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen.' As a Queen she was a great success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted 'hurrah.'
12. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is ahistorical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 footclipper.
13. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was WilliamShakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because ofhis plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of heroiccouplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
14. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton.Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
15. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the contented congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers ofthe declaration of independence. Franklin discovered electricityby rubbing two cats backwards and declared, 'A horse divided against itself cannot stand.' Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an oldspinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German and Half Italian and halfEnglish. He was very large.
17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.
18. The ninteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam boat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented theMcCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
19. Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin wasa naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Madam Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
20. The first world war, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
A Newfoundlander was walking past his neighbor one day with hisdog in one hand and a shotgun in the other.
The neighbor asked, "Where you going boy?"
The man said, "To shoot my dog"
The neighbor said, "Is he mad?"
The man said, "Well he's not too happy about it."
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