"Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do, don't need to be done."- Andy Rooney


After the holidays and all those delightful, seasonal treats, a husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tells your fortune and weight.
He drops in a coin and eagerly reads the results.
"Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, whitecard. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and an absolutely great lover in bed!"
"Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."


Crazy Mike walks into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,"Look, I've got three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, so what have you got to keep me horny andpotent all night?"
The pharmacist reaches down, unlocks a bottom drawer and brings up a box labeled 'Viagra Extra Strength' containing single wrapped packets. He says, "Take one of these and you'll go crazyfor 12 hours."
Crazy Mike replies, "Hell, gimme three"
The next day Mike returns to the same pharmacist, who smiles and asks,
"Well, how'd it go?"
In answer, Mike pulls down his pants, to display his penis that's black and blue and blistered, one of the sorriest sights thepharmacist had ever seen.
Crazy Mike says, "Gimme a tube of Ben Gay."
The pharmacist replies in horror. "You're not going to put BenGay on that are you?"
Mike replies, "Hell, no, it's for my arm. The girls didn't showup."


"'Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't ea tpork.' I'm sorry, what was that last one? 'Don't eat pork. God has spoken.'Is that the word of God or is that just pigs trying to outsmart everybody?"- Jon Stewart


A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect" her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository......it's up to you!"


Joe, a notoriously bad golfer, hits his ball off the first teeand watches as it slices to the right and disappears through an open window. Figuring that's the end of it, he gets another ballout of his bag and plays on.
On the eighth hole, a police officer walks up to Joe on the course and says, "Did you hit a golf ball through a window back there?"
Joe says, "Yes I did."
"Well," says the police officer, "it knocked a lamp over, scaring the dog, which raced out of the house onto the highway. A driver rammed into a brick wall to avoid the dog, sending three people to hospital. And it's all because you sliced the ball."
"Oh my goodness," says Joe, "is there anything I can do?"
"Yes there is," the cop says.
"Try keeping your head down and close up your stance a bit."



"I grew up a Catholic. To me, going to church was always really boring. I never liked it. But I went to a Catholic grammar school. You know what the nuns would tell me? "You know Jim, the mass is a celebration. What does that tell you young man?" It tells me that the Catholics don't know how to throw a frigging party."- Jimmy Dore



The Dublin police were given orders to clean up the neighborhood.
That night a drunk staggered towards a constable and said:
"Excuse me offisher, what time is it?"
The cop replied, "It's one o'clock," and bonked him on the head with his baton.
"Jeez," said Paddy. "I'm glad I didn't ask you an hour ago!"


A little girl says, "Grandpa, can I sit on your lap?
"Why sure you can," her grandfather replied.
As she is sitting on grandpa's lap she says, "Grandpa, can you make a sound like a frog?"
"A sound like a frog? Well, I guess Grandpa can make a sound likea frog."
The girl says, "Grandpa, will you please, please MAKE a sound like a frog?"
Perplexed, her grandpa says, "Sweet heart, why do you want me to make a sound like a frog?"
And the little girl says, "'Cause Grandma said that when you croak, we're all going to Disney world!"




"When I was a kid a "crack salesman" just meant a guy was really good at what he did."- Bobby Slayton



Doctor's stories :
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife is going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear.Suddenly, I noticed that there are several cabs and I was in thewrong one.
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At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall."Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," the patient said sadly.
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One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
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I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuitytest. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began,Cover your right eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large Eon the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked. He was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
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During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed his doctor that he was having troublewith one of his medications. "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't see; the man had over fifty patches on his body. Now the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. And you always wondered why instructions always seemed to state the obvious!
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While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked,"How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered, "Why, not for about twenty years, when my husband was alive.
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I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's yourbreakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
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A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist. She asked, "Do you have Viagra?" "Yes," he answered. She asked, "Does it work?" "Yes," he answered. "Can you get it over the counter?"she asked. "I can if I take two," he answered.



The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.
She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."
The priest thinks a while and says,
"That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do six cartwheels on your way to the altar."


"I don't care about anything. Like yesterday, Jimmy cracked corn.I don't care."- Howie Mandel


Attention Children - The Bathroom Door is Closed!
· Please do not stand here and talk, whine, or ask questions.
· Wait until I get out.
· Yes, it is locked. I want it that way. It is not broken, and I am not trapped.
· I know I have left it unlocked, and even open at times, since you were born, because I was afraid some horrible tragedy migh toccur while I was in there, but it's been 10 years and I want some PRIVACY.
· Do not ask me how long I will be. I will come out when I am done.
· Do not bring the phone to the bathroom door.
· Do not go running back to the phone yelling "She's in the BATHROOM!"
· Do not begin to fight as soon as I go in.
· Do not stick your little fingers under the door and wiggle them. This was funny when you were two.
· Do not slide pennies, LEGOs, or notes under the door. Even when you were two this got a little tiresome.
· If you have followed me down the hall talking, and are still talking as you face this closed door, please turn around, walkaway, and wait for me in another room. I will be glad to listen to you when I am done.
· And yes, I still love you.
Signed Mom





A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom,dead as a doornail.
"Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" theprofessor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely,responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."