Laughter=one way of beating reccesion

"I think we should all treat each other like Christians. I,however, will not be responsible for the consequences."- George Carlin


One of my favorite Emo Philips jokes...
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop!Don't do it!"
"Why shouldn't I?" he said.
I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"
He said, "Like what?"
I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"
He said, "Religious."
I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
He said, "Christian."
I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
He said, "Protestant."
I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
He said, "Baptist!"
I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or BaptistChurch of the Lord?"
He said, "Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or areyou Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"
I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God,reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God,reformation of 1915?"
He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"
I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.



A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the orthodox rabbi for their final session.
The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.
The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dancetogether?"
"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women danceseparately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"No."
"Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?"
"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"How about doggie-style?"
"Of course!"
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO!" says the rabbi....
"Why Not???" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing!"



"Relationships don't last any more. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is, 'Is this the man I want my children tospend every other weekend with?'"-Rita Rudner



A circus owner walked into a bar to find everyone crowded about atable watching a little show. On the table was an upside-down potand a duck tap dancing on it.
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duckfrom its owner. After some wheeling and dealing they settled for$10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger,"Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a wholeaudience and he didn't dance a single step!"
"That's strange" said the duck's former owner, "did you rememberto light the candle under the pot?"



Giving a man his physical, a doctor noticed several dark, uglybruises on his shins, so he asked,
"Do you play hockey?"
"No"
"Do you play soccer?"
"No"
"Do you play any other physical sport?"
"Not at all. I just play bridge with my wife."


"I learned something the other day. I learned that Jehovah'sWitnesses do not celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't like strangers going up to their door and annoying them."- Bruce Clark



Every year at the state fair, a guy entered the lottery for thebrand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend he wasn't going to bother to enter.
"What kind of attitude is that?" his friend asked. He leanedcloser and whispered, "What you need, pal, is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a message."
Strolling around the fair, the guy grew more and more despondentas the drawing neared. Nothing struck him, no divine inspiration,no sign from God.
Finally, as he was passing old Mrs. Smith's pie stand, he glanced over and saw the woman bending down. She wasn't wearing any panties, and suddenly her ass began to glow. All of a sudden, afinger of flame came from the skies and without her even knowing it, used her ass as a notepad. The fiery finger etched a seven oneach cheek.
Thanking God, he rushed to the raffle booth and played the number77.
A few minutes later, the drawing was held. And once again, helost.
The winning number was 707.



A pissed off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along.
"What'll ya have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
"Yuck, it's nasty poison!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"



"Buffet" is a French term. It means, "Get up and get it yourself"- Greg Ray



A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her patients of their stutters. She came to a therapy session in a revealing outfit and offered a blow job to anyone who could pronounce the name of the city in which they were born without stuttering.
The first man stood up and said, "B-B-B-B-B-B- Boston."
Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down.
The next guy stood and said, "Ca-Ca-Ca-Ca-Ca-Ca-Cleveland."
He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down.
The third guy stood and without hesitation said, "Miami."
The student fell to her knees and began performing oral sex on the man. After finishing, she looked up and said, "What do you have to say now?"
He replied, "...B-B-B-B-B-Beach."



Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference. There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party,they both staggered outside.
One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance.
When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.
"Where ya been?" he slurred.
"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"


I'd like to have kids. I get those maternal feelings. Like when I'm laying on the couch and I can't reach the remote control.- Kathleen Madigan



Harry and his wife were driving in the country when he saw a sign that said, "Cow For Sale...$5,000"
He pulled in and said to the farmer, "There's no cow in the worldworth five thousand dollars."
The farmer said, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this!"
He lifted the cow's tail, and Harry saw that the cow had a snatch just like a woman.
Harry got back in the car, turned to his wife, and began to cry,"It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a snatch like a woman and it's worth $5,000. And here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you ain't worth shit!"



"Mr. Chilton," the analyst said, "I think this will be your lastvisit."
"Does that mean I'm cured?" he asked.
"For all practical purposes, yes," she said. "I think we cansafely say that your kleptomania is now under control. Youhaven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know wherethe kleptomania came from."
"Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell yousomething. Although our relationship is strictly professional,it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could dosomething to repay you for helping me."
"You've paid my fee," the doctor said. "That's the onlyresponsibility you have."
"I know," Chilton said. "But isn't there some personal favor Icould do for you?"
"Well," the doctor said, "I'll tell you what. If you ever suffera relapse, my son could use a nice portable color television."